Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody Reviewed

After we posted our Top 30 Must See Feminist Porn Sites, we heard from "MstrHole," a porn connoisseur and reviewer. His blog, holesreviews, is a great resource and GetLusty is thrilled to post some of his insightful reviews. First up is a film that will satisfy the dreams of thirteen year old boys everywhere: a Star Wars porn spoof. MstrHole gives us the good, the bad, and the sexy.

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Title: Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
Studio: Vivid
Release Date: 2/21/12

Given the number of 4 and 5 star reviews Star Wars XXX has received, it would be easy to jump on the band wagon and join in the chorus of praise for Axel Braun and his all star cast. But I’m not going to do that.

The "non-sex" is outstanding

I want to tell you about the things I really liked in this video. Allie Haze is a treat to watch and anytime I get to see her with her clothes off is a cause for celebration. She always looks like she’s having fun. The camera work, lighting, costumes, art direction, sets, special effects, and script are all outstanding. If this video doesn’t win awards in all of those categories this year, we need to drug test all the voters. In short, the non-sex portions of this video are outstanding, and mega-kudos to Axel Braun for his attention to detail and homage to George Lucas' masterwork.

Tom Byron is terrific as the old Jedi Obi wan Kenobi. He can still bring it when a lot of porn actors his age have hung up their spurs. And, he has developed a flair for comedy. Seth Gamble and Rocco Reed are more than adequate as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. Chewbacca and Lord Vader are competently rendered by Dick Chibbles and Lexington Steele. The non-sex participants also give good performances, particularly Kylie Ireland as a doomed rebel pilot who crashes into the Death Star.

This movie was funny and well acted. Special effects and all the technical stuff were first rate. They worked very hard to recreate the Star Wars universe in great detail.

But how was the sex?

I hated the George Lucas “directors cut” version of episodes IV, V, and VI of the original Star Wars saga. The material he put back in really did belong on the cutting room floor because it didn’t advance the story and it looked tacked on. Unfortunately, that is the case with the sex in Star Wars XXX. It looks tacked on.

Let’s take Allie’s first of two sex scenes as an example. She’s been captured by the Imperial forces led by Lord Vader who we now know is her father. In the famous interrogation scene, we are teased with the idea of Vader torturing Princess Leia. She hates Vader because he represents everything that’s wrong with the Empire; an Empire she is actively trying to overthrow. So when he shows up in her cell threatening her, what does she do? She starts masturbating and then gives Vader (her father) a blow job. I know this is supposed to be a parody, but the idea of Princess Leia blowing Vader is beyond absurd. Perhaps the idea of being tortured for information is supposed to turn the princess on? Sure, it was fun watching Allie rub her coochie but this scene was disappointing because it wasn’t motivated by any plot consideration whatsoever.

In short, while there are some terrific aspects of Star Wars XXX, overall it gets a grade of “C” from me. The sex was gratuitous within the context of the story. You may be thinking that all porn sex is gratuitous and you may have a point. But in this case, I found myself tempted to fast forward through the sex to get back to the story, and that doesn’t happen very often. The women were beautiful and wonderfully displayed. The camera work is outstanding. The acting, for a porn feature, is top notch. But that couldn't overcome the contrived nature of the sex.

Summing it up

Back in the days when the mere sight of a naked woman or some exposed female genitalia--even a bare breast--would cause my slacks to tent, I would have enjoyed this movie. Perhaps I’m jaded to the point where I need or want something more from my porn. I have to believe, or be willing to believe, that what is happening on the screen is real; at least real for that moment between the participants. “Ready orgasm, and... cue orgasm,” doesn’t do it for me.

It is obvious that a lot of people worked very hard to bring this to life and I am sure they are proud of their achievement. As I said earlier, I expect that this video will capture a ton of awards at the next AVN conclave, and deservedly so.  I will clap and cheer along with everyone else. I just didn’t find this video all that stroke worthy.

This post was originally published at holesreviews.

MstrHole began watching porn in 1971. In 1990s, he reviewed porn for a Usenet group, but then moved on to other things. With so much insight, we're glad he decided to get back into it a few years ago. This goldmine of porn knowledge feels there is enough negativity in the world and now only reviews porn that he likes. He is not paid for this work, nor does he accept free videos for review, making his blog a space for honest and unbiased commentary. Look for more of his work here at GetLusty and check out his blog here.

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