At GetLusty for Couples, we want to help your sexual relationships. Our 5 pillars to an amazing relationship are important--essential to a wonderful marriage or long-term relationship. We'll often times think men are the one's interested in 'quickie' sex. But what if your wife or partner doesn't know you want sex to last longer. You want sex to be loving and sensual and she's a busy woman who doesn't even know what you want? Here, Moushumi Ghose, our favorite Los Angeles Sex Therapist, answers a question from one of our readers.
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Dear GetLusty for Couples,
I have to admit, I started reading this article on the defensive, figuring that it would neglect the most obvious answer... which turned out to be #3 above, at least for us. I've tried so often to initiate, only to get rejected, that I notice I just don't want to try so much anymore. It's too depressing and, to be frank, hurtful... even though I know that's not her intention.
Maybe — probably — I'm just a terrible lover. But I also know that there's this whole emotional negotiation/navigation leading up to intimacy that's exhausting. We can be close and seemingly right in the right spot for sex to follow, when suddenly her mood turns on a dime. Over some small thing. And then it's just impossible.
And then there's this idea that she seems to have that sex for me is just about getting off. Always, she only wants to have a "quickie" (when we have sex at all, which is maybe once a month at best). And while we're having sex, it's rarely sensual... more like a collision of bodies. Don't get me wrong, that can also be pleasurable. But I miss the heat of a long, slow seduction. The slow, sensual exploration of our bodies... etc.
I give the long massages, which she likes. But everything seems perfunctory in return. And there are so many things she doesn't seem to like or claims not to. She's stiff and resistant, as though she doesn't even like to be touched. Gradually that goes away, sometimes... but it's like she has this iceberg of inhibitions that needs to be melted anew each time.
Anyway, I realize I'm ranting... and sharing too much, which I know I wouldn't do if it weren't for the "anonymous" button below. Bottom line is that I feel keenly aware that sex is part of what is as important as time spent together and conversation when it comes to forging the bonds of our relationships. I want our sex life to be so much more than just 17 minutes of getting off... and this is the guy talking.
I guess what I'm asking is, do women even know we think or feel this way?
Signed,
Wondering and desperate
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Dear Wondering and desperate,
I am sorry to hear that your sex life is at such an impasse. You seem really unsatisfied with your sex life, and so does your wife by the sounds of it if she thinks you just want to get off.
It sounds like she's avoiding sex with you, and in return you are feeling rejected, dejected, and surmising that you must be a terrible lover, and then feeling like you need to rant and complain, which in the end sounds more like pointing the finger and placing blame, mainly on her.
What I would really love to hear more of is "How can I meet my wife's needs?" You're so focused on your fear of getting rejected and how she is going to react, and how your needs aren't getting met. You are focused on the anger of the situation, and what your wants and desires are, that you have completely forgotten that you have a 50% role in this too.I’d love you to ask this question? What are my wife’s needs? How can I please my wife? Not just in bed, but in life, and in the relationship. Or go a step further, make it your goal to find out, why your wife is holding back? If your needs are not getting met, hers aren’t getting met either. That is the bottom line.
There is a plethora of reasons she may be holding back. Chances are she is feeling neglected, or perhaps rejected in some way and this is really important, it may not be sexual, but whatever area she feels neglected in is just not really inspiring her to be sexual with you. You say you give massages, which she likes, but have you asked her what she would really love? The thing to not assume here is that sex and sensuality exist in a vacuum. Maybe she’d be more open to you if you were helpful in other ways. Maybe you are too critical. I don’t know anything about your relationship, but I know enough about relationships to guess that she doesn’t feel safe with you, in order to want to be sexual with you.
My advice, get down to the nitty gritty and really look at your relationship. How can you help your wife be the best she can be? Once she is on that path, I have a feeling she will be more open to you, than just in the bedroom.
Good luck!
Mou
This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.
Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.
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