Consent 101: What Is It, Anyway?

This seems silly. Why are we talking about consent with couples who are already engaged in sex. It must always be consensual, right? Well, not so much. Sometimes we ladies (or gents) feel obliged to have sex. We don't overtly consent during the start, middle and end. Cross boundaries and we feel really bad. It can start a relationship problem. Don't fall into that trap! Consent. Be clear. We'll tell you how.

Consent is super hot. You're both getting exactly what you want and need. Can you get any sexier than perfection? That's why we're starting a three part series on consent. What is it, anyway? What isn't it? And, how do I communicate to have an amazing sexual relationship?

With the general ambiguity of most pop culture portrayals of sex, we feel obligated to clarify what is and is not acceptable for sexual consent. In this first installment, we define consent. Rachel Colias is here to talk about the subject that's near and dear to our hearts. Consensual, amazing sex. 

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Definition

Consent is something a person does or says to communicate their desire to participate in a sexual activity; consent is a verb and it is enthusiastic. This active consent includes vocalizing an initial agreement with a partner or partners.  Don’t be confused, though. That initial “yes,” is something that can be taken back and does not include agreeing to everything their partner wishes to do.

More specifically, now

For instance, a person can consent to having their nipples sucked. However, that does not mean they consent to having their underwear removed; a person can consent to oral sex, but that does no mean they consent to intercourse. There is no such thing as an all-encompassing “yes,” nor is there an obligation for the consenting parties to do anything they do not wish to do. As the wonderfully hilarious band Flight of the Conchords sings, “a kiss is not a contract”; participating in one sexual act does not obligate a person to take the interaction any further.


Do it. Over and over. Just like sex!

Giving consent once does not also obligate a person to consent to the same thing on a different occasion either. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex a certain way or with a particular person only once; consent is not something that carries over and it can’t be used against someone if they don’t want to repeat an act or have sex with the same person on a separate occasion. No one “owes” you anything and you never “owe” another person something. Sex should be your and your partner’s choice. 

Along with being enthusiastic, consent is also sober. Taking advantage of someone who is drunk or under the influence of drugs is not consensual nor is it acceptable or legal. Consent needs to be something received and given before anything sexual can happen and it can’t be assumed.

Respect. Love. Enjoy!

Consent is something you respect. It’s a necessary aspect of all sexual interactions and no one should ever be made to feel bad about not wanting to participate in particular sexual acts. Consent is something you should always obtain and communicate. 

This article is by our awesome new columnist Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication. 

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators, playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follower her Tumblr blog here! Also e-mail her directly at editorial@getlusty.com.

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