This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick. We just love Dr. Dick. He's a sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.
He answers a reader question about vaginal versus clitoral orgasms. Considering some women can't even have orgasms, we think this is an essential issue for men and women! Read on.
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Dear Dr. Dick,
Hello. I just discovered your lovely website and wanted to ask you a question that has been on my mind for a while. I seem to have a problem orgasming without stimulating my clitoris.
I suppose that doesn’t really sound like a problem but it’s really starting to annoy me. I would like to be able to still enjoy an orgasm without having to stimulate my clit every time! I love having sex and it feels super duper good but why can’t I climax that way? I mean I am aware of where my G-spot is located and my boyfriend said he’ll be focusing more on hitting it “spot” on. There’s also another thing I have noticed. Sometimes my boyfriend will hit my cervix and it hurts a bit. Is this even normal? Should he even be able to hit it? Or, is there something abnormal going on here?
Signed,
Wondering
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Dear Wondering,
Let’s see. When you say you “love having sex and it feels super duper good, but why can’t I climax that way?” Are you referring to full-on cock in cooter fucking when you say, “having sex"? The reason I ask is that not everyone means the same thing when they use that trite euphemism.
Since you’re not here to fill in the blanks, so to speak, I’ll assume you want to know why you can’t or haven’t yet had a vaginal orgasm. Before I answer, I just want to say that I hope you are not setting up an orgasmic dichotomy where there doesn’t need to be one. That would truly be unwise.
Ok, now my answer. I can’t really say why your not climaxing while you’re fucking. Other than an exclusively vaginal centered orgasm is a myth. The vast majority of women don’t have vaginal orgasms. In fact, the degree of insensitivity inside a woman’s vagina is so high that Kinsey wrote in his seminal work, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female published back in 1953: “Among the women who were tested in our gynecologic sample, less than 14% were at all conscious that they had been touched.” That’s pretty remarkable, wouldn’t you say?
The vaginal orgasm myth
The vaginal orgasm myth is perpetuated, in part, by women’s confusion and/or lack of knowledge about their own anatomy. Some women believe that an orgasm felt during fucking is centered in their cooch. This suggests to me that they aren’t being precise in locating the center of that orgasm. Other women believe in the vaginal orgasm myth because they think they need to conform to a male oriented notion of female sexuality: insertion + fucking = cuming. And that’s wrong, don’t you know? Just ask all the pre-orgasmic women out there.
But ya know what? I don’t own a pussy myself. All I can tell you is what I have learned from those people who actually have a honeypot. The people I’m referring to, we’ll call them females, tell me vaginal orgasms, mythological or not, may simply be dependent on a tone of a woman’s pelvic musculature. As amazing as pussies are, if the muscles that surround them are not taught and toned enough, a fucking generated orgasm may elude the owner of said pussy.
Some women haven’t developed their PC muscle enough to cum through sex alone. Are you doing your kegels, Wondering? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you have some serious remedial research to do. You could start by reading around my site and listen to podcasts that feature information on our pubococcygeus muscle and kegel exercises.
The elusive vaginal orgasm may also have to do with your partner’s cock, particularly the girth of his unit as opposed to its length. My women friends tell me that a thicker cock may have more of a chance triggering a vaginal orgasm then a pencil dick.No surprise there, I suppose. Position will also play a role. Why not give a bunch of different positions a try and see if they make a difference? You on top cowgirl style, or doggie style might work best. But it’s your vagina, my dear, and you ought to know it best.
As to your G-spot question
That’s another thing all together. I am so glad that you are familiar with your anatomy enough to have found your own personal G-spot. And it’s great to hear that you have an accommodating partner who is working on stimulating this sensitive area. Good for you both! However, while I wholeheartedly endorse and encourage your further investigations and sex play, I do have one caution. I share the concern of my women friends.
We want you to avoid all the G-spot hype floating around in the popular culture these days. Most women have a good time with their G-spot exploration. They report that it is not particularly difficult to find, but it’s also much harder to pleasure. If a woman, you perhaps, gets it in your head that something amazing is supposed to happen with a G-spot stimulation, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. In the same way some women, you perhaps, set themselves up for disappointment if they buy into the myth of an exclusively vaginal generated orgasm.
I encourage you to see your genitals as a whole, not a bunch of separate parts that somehow work independently of one another. If your pussy is happy and your pussy is making you happy, is it really all that important how the happiness comes to be?
In comparison, us men folk are not all that fussy. What gets us off; gets us off. I never hear from a guy who is disappointed because he’s having an exclusively prostate generated orgasm. They do happen to some men, but most of us aren’t the least bit concerned when they don’t happen to us. I also never hear from a guy who thinks he should be orgasmic through manipulation of his balls alone. That can happen too, but we’re not holding our breath for that.
Change your position
What I do hear from guys is that we often need a particular kind of dick-oriented stimulation to get us off. And this is where the men folk and the women folk are much alike. You, like us, probably need a particular kind of stimulation to get you off. Be it vaginal, clitoral, G-spot, or whatever. If you acknowledge your genitals as a composite of parts that work together to bring you joy, then you’ll be less likely to be swayed by the claims, hype and misinformation about female sexual response.
Finally, regarding the issue of your boyfriend hitting your cervix. Yeah, that’ll hurt. I’d be willing to guess that he’s in the wrong position and being too athletic in his pumping when that happens. If he’s bumping your cervix, but you like the depth and athleticism of his manly thrusts, simply change position. That should remedy the problem.
Good luck.
Originally posted on Dr. Dick's blog.
Richard Wagner (Dr. Dick) affirms the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. He knows the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others.
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