Why Won’t He Have Sex With Me?

Being fresh into a relationship can come up with numerous questions. Though many of our readers are in long-term relationships, we can remember thinking back to year one. Things were wonderful, but sometimes these new relationships come with some problems. What happens when your lover doesn't want to have sex? This question came from one of our followers, and what better way to introduce J. Cameron Gantt, the Insti(Gay)tor, and our go-to-gay for newly coupled dates and relationships!

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Dear GetLusty for Couples,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, but for the last 6 months I feel like we are stuck. Basically, we don’t have sex anymore. We used to have it on a daily basis and it was amazing. But lately it seems like he avoids it at all costs. He even goes as far as to start arguments with me just to kill the mood.

A few weeks ago, I caught him jerking off while looking at porn and he was totally into it…until he finally unglued his eyes from the screen and looked up. I wasn’t even mad at the fact that he was looking at porn, I was more upset because I felt betrayed. I have been sexually starved for 6 months, breaking my back trying to get our sex life back on track, and he’s been having jerk-fest at 3am while he thinks I’m asleep. I have tried to discuss this with him and even now he refuses to talk about it.

I love him, but I can’t hold out any longer. I don’t want to end things, but I have been considering cheating on him. If I do, I know that there will be no coming back from that. What can I do to help save things?

Sincerely
Billy Blu Balls, 35

Dear Billy Blu Balls,

Thanks for sharing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Bad sex is just as bad as no sex and both can drive a guy insane. Hopefully, my advice can help you get things back on track.

I don’t know your boyfriend, but I suspect that there is something deeper going on with him. Typically when sex patterns change, it is indicative that something deeper is going on. Maybe there has been a drastic change in another area of his life that has transitioned into the bedroom. Maybe he is having some self-esteem issues or maybe he’s addicted to porn…who knows. There is no real way for you to know for sure unless you two start communicating. Whatever he is going through is beyond your control and things aren’t going to get better unless he is willing to engage with you.

This is what I want you to remember: your needs are important, and though sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, it is a valid one (at least in the top 5). I appreciate your honesty but the fact that you are admitting to wanting to cheat on him may be a sign that this may not be the right relationship for you.

Here’s what I suggest:

Your relationship with him is still fairly new. We’d like to think that a year is a long period of time but the reality is that you two are barely scratching the surface of getting to know each other. I suggest you guys pull a “Ross and Rachel” and take a break. It sounds like both of you may need some space and figure out what type of relationship you have now, and the type of relationship you want to have moving forward.

The break shouldn’t last longer than 2 weeks and you make it a point not to contact each other until that period is over. During this time, you should focus on you and what you want and let him focus on him. At the end of the break, meet up in a neutral territory so you can get reacquainted with each other. Both of you should be open and honest about your wants and needs. See if there is any opportunity to repair what has been broken and, if you are both game, work together to and commit to making things better. I would even suggest hiring a helping professional to assist in moderating to avoid slipping back into the same old pattern. If you decide to break things off, make it a clean break and commit to living your best single gay sex life.

Either way, focus your time and energy on moving forward and not feeling stuck.

I hope things work out for you,
J. Cameron

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor, a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango.com and Singleswarehouse.net. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.

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3 Stretches for Better Thrusting During Sex

One of the best things you can do for your sex life is regular exercise. Constantly working on your stamina as well as regularly using your muscles to keep them limber and strong is a direct payoff. So what is the down side? Getting into a regular exercise routine can be harder than we give it credit for.
Our newest staff writer, Brittany Meyer, is here to help with the top 5 stretches to enhance your sex live with being more limber for stronger thrusts.

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Comedienne Lynne Koplitz jokes that sex when you’re younger is an event. You prepare, stretch and eat lighter meals. We find it laughable. But why don’t we put more effort into preparing for sex? It is easy to see how needing to eat a lighter meal or going to the gym earlier that day could make obvious improvements in our sexual endeavors but so many people take these small tasks for granted. I can understand that we have many things happening in our lives ranging from fun to obligations that we cannot commit everything we do to our sex lives but we should all be taking small steps to help improve it.

For those of you in a transition period where you would like to be more agile for sex but are having time commitment issues, we would like to offer a medium! Regular stretching is one of the best ways to keep yourself limber and will help avoid cramping while giving you more energy. These can be done for 20 minutes as a morning routine or even a 10 minutes warm-up for the bedroom in the evening.

We use all the muscles in our body for sex but there are 5 major groups we recommend you focus your stretches on; Back, stomach, buttocks, hips and hamstrings. In Part 1, we reviewed hips and hamstrings. Did you see our other article on stretching other muscle groups for better sex? While we recommend you pay the most attention to the muscle groups you will be using the most (depending on the positions you prefer to do), these are the major muscles that you will typically use.

When you are going through these stretches, don't be afraid to incorporate small stretching techniques you are familiar with as you go to keep the blood flowing and keep yourself comfortable. As a reminder about stretching, always do it at your own level. The stretches described below are only the recommended procedure; adjust them to your abilities so you do not overexert yourself! Nothing is worse than pulling a muscle when you are working towards improving your sex life.

#1 Don't put your back out (the back stretch)

Why the abs and lower back?

Core power. The abs and lower back muscles are used for the thrusting motions of sex. Finnish researchers say that people with weak core muscles are more than three times more likely to suffer from lower back pain. Strong abs also hold your belly so it won’t flop over and get in the way of business.

This stretch is relaxing and a beginner level so it's very easy to do. This was aided by Discovery Channel's back stretch article.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back with your legs flat on the ground. Bring both legs up your chest. Then, grab the underside of your knees. Hold this for 30-60 seconds (always at your own level!) and then release and lay flatly on the ground again.

#2 Thrust with a stronger core (the ab stretch)


Again, strong abdominals--as well as a strong pelvic floor--is beneficial for multiple areas of sex, including improved thrusting, as well as more powerful orgasms.

While this is a common stretch, it is also low impact and reaches many of the muscles throughout the stomach.

How to get into it:

Lay on your stomach with your arms at your side. Using your arms only as braces, lay your forearms on the ground by your side and pull your upper body up as if you are looking straight forward while your hips stay locked on the ground.

Once you stretch those upper stomach muscles, you can modify the exercise to extending your arms all the way so you are supported by your hands flat on the ground with your hips still locked down. You will notice you will have a much more severe arch and will feel the stretch from your upper stomach down to your pelvis. Hold for 15 seconds at first and repeat for a longer time if you can.

#3 Get your blood pumping (with glute muscule AKA butt stretches)

Butt muscles (also known as glutes and hamstrings) are absolute wonderful when you're getting into various positions, including woman-on-top. Also, workouts for your lower body can increase blood flow "In your [bodies'] Southern Hemisphere" says explains Debbie Mandel, MA, a stress and fitness expert and the author of, "Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life."

Some may find these more helpful than others but since your gluts are integral with your hips, back and hamstrings, it is good to add some focus to this part of your body for maximum flexibility and comfort.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back again with your legs at rest and your feet flat on the floor. Cross your left ankle over your right thigh and grab the underside of your right thigh. Pull your thigh to your stomach bringing your foot as far in as you can to your body. Hold for 15 seconds. Switch and repeat with your right ankle. The easier it feels the longer you can hold the position.


Brittany just moved to Chicago after finishing her degree from FSU and arrived with a thirst to learn about everything that has to do with sex. Having been involved with The F-Word, The Vagina Monologues, amateur drag and a Human Sexuality course, she is a very sex positive lady. When she's not admiring architecture or looking for a design job, Brittany does stand-up comedy and thinks of ways to make people on the CTA feel uncomfortable. She also eats high-fives for breakfast.  Follow her on twitter @sedanimal. E-mail her at brittany@getlusty.com.

Disclaimer: This information is solely for informational purposes. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Neither the Editors of GetLusty for Couples, Passionate Productions LLC, the author nor publisher take responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, procedure, exercise, dietary modification, action or application of medication which results from reading or following the information contained in this information. The publication of this information does not constitute the practice of medicine, and this information does not replace the advice of your physician or other health care provider. Before undertaking any course of treatment, the reader must seek the advice of their physician or other health care provider.

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