Me First! Interdependent Relationships

What kind of relationship are you in? Maybe you've never even considered your role. Whether you are dependent, co-dependent, or interdependent, all relationships need balance and communication. Monique Mitchell delves into the meaning of interdependency and how to make it work for you.

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Do you compromise your own happiness to make other people in your life happy? Do you believe that your significant other is what makes your life complete? If you answered “no” to those questions, then you may be in, or open to the idea of, an interdependent relationship. Several studies, including those conducted at Northwestern University and Harvard University, indicate that interdependent relationships, while uncommon, is the epitome of a balanced relationship. In this type of a union, each person understands that “me” is equally as important as “us”. Nonetheless, once each person has developed a sense of personal maturity, both conclude that neither person will take on the entire financial or emotional burden of the relationship.

Dependency roles

In all types of relationships there are some people who are dependent, independent, co-dependent and interdependent. Firstly, the dependent person in a relationship is someone who spends much of his or her time deciphering who assumes responsibility of whom. The independent person in a relationship, on the other hand, tends to spend much of his or her time away from the other person, while the co-dependent person usually puts aside his or her own well-being to accommodate a significant other. And lastly, there's the interdependent person—a person who does not display neediness and who does not assume total power in the relationship.

Researchers believe that being responsible for your own identity, security, and freedom are beneficial to maintaining a successful interdependent relationship. While this type of couple has to focus on separate wants and needs, a simultaneous commitment to what is best for both partners is essential. Forming the relationship with a person who is at the same stage of personal maturity, while fostering clarity and a true commitment to partnership, are additional key elements to this sort of relationship.

Some celebrity couples also participate in being interdependent. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are a great example, due to both maintaining successful careers and equally taking responsibility of their relationship and family life.

Building a strong union

Understand that while the ideals of interdependent relationships focus on personal growth and shared responsibility, it would be difficult to withhold some exchange of power. Couples, in general, have to trust one another, regardless of the amount of responsibility one or both may shoulder. Interdependence is developed through a shared dedication to self-improvement, open communication and honoring personal boundaries. Therefore, interdependent couples have to work together to build a union that is greater than the sum of its parts.

What couples like Angelina and Brad appear to do successfully is share a mutual respect for one another. This level of appreciation enables each person to work on personal goals and issues. Make sure to embrace what is important to the other partner and clarify expectations. Keep commitments as each person's self-awareness and self-esteem continues to evolve.

Communication

Every couple specifies its own set of rules for their relationship—simply put, what works for one couple may not work for another. So, prioritize the things that will help keep your relationship strong. Communicate, early in your partnership, individual values and individual definitions of what is needed for your relationship to work. Listen for any shared set of emotional, economical and moral principles. Having beliefs and intentions in common, while also establishing precise roles and setting guidelines that both people will be held accountable for, will strengthen the success of the interdependency in your relationship.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's (CDC) 2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, the probability of a first marriage lasting at least 10 years is between 68% and 70%, while a first marriage lasting at least 20 years is between 52% and 56%. The CDC's survey also indicates that educational attainment, employment status and premarital cohabitation are likely factors, in influencing a divorce or separation. Whether or not your interdependent partnership results in matrimony, the same standards of commitment to the relationship and cultivating self-identity still apply.

Being on the same accord, regarding life-changing decisions, is a must. The aforementioned factors of divorce and separation have to be established prior to the relationship. And like every other element in an interdependent relationship, both parties have to agree upon any transitions made, before and after the relationship has begun. The couple has to accept that change is a reciprocal obligation. Both partners' willingness to change, whether for individual or shared reasons, is for the betterment of the relationship. And the couple's investment in making positive changes will result in the relationship being satisfying and healthy.

Relationship prosperity

Undoubtedly, relationships are a challenge. By understanding that true love does not always conquer all, your 'happily ever after' journey will not be as rocky and far-fetched. Expecting for your mate to rescue you, rather than allowing him or her to support you and your plans for the future, will cause disparity over harmony. Therefore, devoting time and energy into your own improvement will add prosperity to your relationship. Remember that your issues are your own to work through. If you choose a mate wisely, you will be afforded the compassion and patience that you need. Several studies report that equality in a relationship is a factor in successful relationships. If you and your significant other can handle being on the same playing field, then interdependency is what will work best for the two of you.

Monique Mitchell is a general article writer with a professional background in nearly everything. A native, and current resident, of Chicago, Monique has covered topics ranging from relationships and entertainment to technology and post-graduation career tips. Now focusing more on dating and relationship blogging, Monique aims to inform readers on issues around the emotional and sexual health of people in the LGBTQ community. In her spare time, Monique enjoys cooking, reading, and watching romantic comedies and "Trash TV".

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Are Stay-at-Home Dads More Likely to Cheat?

There's a cultural shift happening in much of the world – stay at home dads. Their numbers grow as the line between gender roles begins to blur. It's not happening everywhere, obviously. There seems to be patches of these "Mr. Mom" communities throughout the world, and are predominantly liberal minded. Without stereotyping political views, there are some men unwilling to give up their "traditional" views on the role of men, and they are not reacting well to this cultural change. Vicki Larson takes an in-depth look into the world of stay-at-home dads.

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When GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, touted mothers as the ones who “really hold the country together,” at the convention last week, she touched a nerve for a lot of us, and not in a good way.

Not only did women who are choosing to be childfree wonder where they stand in mattering to their country, but stay-at-home dads (SAHD) were equally pissed. As Mega SAHD blogger Mark Greene wrote for the Good Men Project, “We modern dads are not the stereotypical disengaged working men of fifty years ago who dismissed the work that mothers do. We do this work too, and we know it can be an ass-whipping.”

You bet today’s men aren’t like our dads were! There are more hands-on dads than ever before; some 1.8 million are single dads and 154,000 men are stay-at-home dads, according to recent Census figures, which means more men are “holding the country together” — or at least their family!

As Canada Research Chair in Gender, Work and Care and Brock University sociology professor Andrea Doucet writes in an article for Ottawacitizen.com, there were 60,875 Canadian stay-at-home dads in 2011.

These numbers indicate a three-fold increase since 1986, they also belittle the numbers of fathers who provide much of the daily care for children.

If you don't think that's a lot, keep in mind that this census excluded secondary, irregular, flexible, or part-time earners; part-time students; work-at-home dads (WAHD); unemployed job-seekers, the underemployed, and discouraged workers. Moreover, statistics that follow only husband-wife families exclude a growing number of single, divorced, and gay fathers.

But the question that needs to be asked is how many of those SAHDs actively chose that role and how many were forced into it by the economic recession.

After all our talk about the “new dad”, we still expect men to be the provider, although that is proving harder and harder for men in this economy. As journalist Hanna Rosin writes in “Who Wears the Pants in This Economy?”:

“It used to be that in working-class America, men earned significantly more than women. Now in that segment of the population, the gap between men and women is shrinking faster than in any other, according to June Carbone, an author of Red Families v. Blue Families. . . As the economy fails to fully recover, it’s unclear what will happen to traditionally male or female jobs, generally."

So what does that mean? Certainly, we should be celebrating more men being the hands-on caregivers, right? Not so fast!

According to Christin Munsch, a postdoctoral research fellow at Stanford’s Michelle R. Clayman Institute for Gender Research, the more economically dependent a man is on his wife, the more likely he is to cheat.

Munsch is among those contributing to a growing body of research on threats to masculinity, and is working on a book, Man Up: Masculinity Threat and Compensation in Young American Men. According to her research, Some men who experience threats to their gender identity overcompensate by resorting to booze and drugs, engaging in risk-taking behavior, become sexually aggressive, and express anger and aggression. And yes — they’re more likely to have an affair.

In an email exchange, I asked Munsch if we’re liable to see more cheating men as the numbers of SAHDs increase. "Probably," she notes. For men who “voluntarily, happily left the labor market to stay at home, they would not experience it as threatening to their masculinity or feel the need to compensate in response.”

But, she adds, “if more men are staying at home out of necessity, for example because of of job loss during times of economic downtown, then according to the theory they would be more likely to cheat.”

Well, great.

Of course, working women have many more opportunities to cheat (and are acting on it).

This article was originally posted on omgchronicles.

Editor's note: We all know why men might feel emasculated by being the stay-at-home dad – they were raised by a generation who still hang onto that macho, bringing-home-the-bacon mentality. Many men are changing the culture of masculinity, but others aren't ready for that yet.

For all the stay-at-home dads out there, you are doing your fatherly duty. You are providing for your family by taking care of it. We live in a society where our character is measured by income and wealth. Your masculinity can't be counted in dollars or hours of work. Man the stove, protect your children, be men, and be proud to be a stay-at-home dad.

Vicki Larson is a longtime journalist, writer, editor and freelancer whose work can be found in numerous places - websites, magazines, books, newspapers and now at GetLusty.com!

Vicki is a divorced co-parenting mother of two wonderful and tall sons.  She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and spends her time hiking or biking around when not behind her desk at the Marin Independent Journal, writing for numerous columns: Single Edition, Mommy Tracked, Huffington Post, ModernMom, and The Working Chronicles.

She is co-writing a book, "The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Cynics, Commitaphobes and Connubial DIYers" - a cutting-edge book challenging our one-size-fits-all, till-death-do-we-part version of marriage while offering a new model for who we are today.  She is a ravenous observer of people and explorer of places and reader of things and loves to write and share her findings about marriage, society, children - life.

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How to Stop Pissing Off Your Partner

Pesky holidays! They can get so testy, can't they? You end up arguing with your partner for no reason. One of you hasn't wrapped a present, or forgot to make reservations or some other silly reason. Or you come home with a heap of stress from another situation and you take it out on your partner. Then what? Here comes trouble! When taking these issues in stride, Dr. Jenn helps us think about helpful solutions. How about stop pissing off your partner by listening? Want to stop pissing off your partner? Read on.

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Some of the most common gender differences I see in relationships regard communication styles. For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to want to talk through things and vent about her concerns. However, many men interpret this as a request to fix the situation.

Vent, gather info or fix?

It makes sense -- if someone we love is hurting and tells us that, why wouldn’t we want to do what we can to “fix” it? But interestingly, the woman often becomes irritated because she says he isn’t listening to her or is trivializing her concern. And the man gets annoyed, because he thinks she isn’t taking his advice to make the situation better.

If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, what can you do about it? The best approach is to be clear about your expectations from the start. For example, if everyday when you get home from work you like to tell you partner about what happened and share your frustrations, state up front what you’re looking for.

“Hi, hon. Can I just vent about my day? You don’t have to do anything. I just need you to listen.” And if you’re on the receiving end you could say, “I noticed I’m getting really irritated listening right now and frustrated that I can’t do anything. Do you want me to help you fix this problem, or do you just want me to listen?” This will make a big shift in communication and avoid hurt feelings.

I think there can also be a third category, depending on your personality. Sometimes people share stories and ask questions because they are on a “fact finding” mission. They want to gather perspectives so they can come to a more informed decision for themselves. So recognize this as a middle area, and clearly state your intentions for the conversation.

“I don’t need to vent, but I’m also not looking for a fix. I’m curious about your ideas around this topic just so I can gather information.” With this clarity, the partner who is giving the feedback will be less likely to feel discouraged if you don’t take their advice.

Like developing any new habit, it can take time to create this new pattern of interaction. Being clear about your intentions and expectations is a great practice in transparency. In the long run, we’re much more likely to get our needs met when we own them and articulate them from the start.

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression.

Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page. 

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7 Features of a Happy Relationship

We've talked to many couples. Sometimes we couples don't realize how good we have it. Through thick and thin, we have our partner, and he or she has you. But that doesn't mean it's not tough. And we also sometimes wonder, when things get tough, what does a happy relationship look like? All couples run into some obstacles from time to time, and that's okay, and natural. GetLusty writer Lynn Olejniczak shares some thoughts on what makes for a happy relationship.

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There is no greater lesson than a lesson learned. I’m sure all of us have walked away from one relationship or another with the thought, “I’ll never do that again!” Often, we remember the promises that we made to ourselves. Other times they vaporize the second we see those sexy, blue eyes, or those strong arms – if you know what I mean. So here is a reminder of the things that make a relationship happy, healthy, and good. Cut it out and keep it on your fridge so your best friend doesn’t have to have this conversation with you later.

#1 Forgiveness 

Forgiveness is terrific. Happy couples are able to accurately decide what is a little thing, (always leaving an ABBA cd qued up in the car), as opposed to a big thing (getting drunk at corporate functions). Obviously these examples are no-brainers. It is the ones in-between, the ones that eventually weigh on us to become big things that can be issues. Things like, never putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, leaving cosmetics all over the bathroom, and demanding total control over the remote that will eventually breed contempt. If it really isn’t a big thing – just let it be. If the cops are sending cards thanking the household for their business, happy couples know something needs addressing.

#2 Communication

Happy couples not only talk to each other, but like to talk to each other. This means big, important issues and little, stupid stuff. That person in the next work cubicle who calls their partner a couple times a day to share what’s going on? They probably really like their other half. Reporting every cup of coffee consumed, or asking permission to go out to lunch is a little creepy, and probably not healthy. But if your partner is one of the top two people you think of to share something with, then congrats! I’m guessing you’re pretty happy.

#3 Stay true to you

Happy couples are happy because they know they are secure in their relationships. If one of the pair wants to paint their face blue and orange while they freeze their ass off in a parking lot every other Winter Sunday while the other prefers Art Institute lectures; that’s cool. Happy people let their partners out of their sight without worry. Happy couples are still individuals. Their partner is their partner because they fell in love with the individual. Keep the individual happy, and the couple stays happy.

#4 Tools to deal with difficult (ahem) family

We all have relatives that suck. Let me say that again. We all have relatives that suck. Happy couples have figured out that even if they don’t live with the videogame-obsessed-unemployed-stoner-brother-in-law, he still attends family functions. When the conscious decision was made to join forces, freaky family members became part of the package. Learning tools to deal with in-laws is important to a happy home life. Holidays, and visits don’t last forever. A happy partner will smile and listen to Aunt Catherine’s UFO experience six times on Christmas. Every Christmas.

#5 They support each other

In every dispute, sides are taken. Happy couples support each other. It helps keep them happy. If mom-in-law insists on reorganizing the furniture every time she comes to visit, the happy homemakers both say no. Once outside family and friends see that there is power in numbers eventually Machiavellian schemes should stop. But if Martha Stewart is your mother-in-law, you’re on your own.

#6 Respect

A positive, happy relationship involves respect. Respect is shown in a variety of ways; not leaving socks all over the living room, politely differing in opinion without turning it into WWIII, helping out with the kids, and not assuming it is the other person’s job all the time. Look, if James Carville and Mary Matalin are still married after 20 years then any couple can respect the other one’s baseball team.

#7 They're comfortable together... sexually

Come on! You didn’t think this would be a GetLusty article without mentioning doing the nasty? Happy couples are happily showing their affection for each other. We already talked about the statistics regarding married sex. So cohabitating sex, happily engaged sex, and happily dating sex should be just as good, no? The kiss, the wink, the grope, all that and a bag of chips happens when a couple is happy. If they feel it, they show it. No reason not to.

Obviously there are other things that happy couples do. These are just some of our favorites. If you’re happy for another reason, tell us. If you’re happy, we’re happy!

Lynn Olejniczak is a native Chicagoan who loves her city and everything it has to offer. She spent 10 years as a NASDAQ trader in Chicago and New York in the 90's, then went back to college when "the rules changed and I realized no one was going to pay me lots of money to swear at them anymore." She loves good food, and a perfectly poured Guinness at any Irish pub in the city. Her Beastie Boys CDs rest comfortably next to her Misfits vinyl, and she believes Underground Garage is the best radio program known to humankind. Armed with degrees in History, and a love of Urban Planning, Lynn is currently writing and researching a book on the 80's Chicago bar scene. Get in touch with Lynn at editorial@getlusty.com.

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Is Your Relationship Really Ready for Polyamory?

So we just jumped straight into polyswinging and then polyamory. It's going to keep popping up, of course. Why? We're all about exploring ways to make your relationship better. Polyamory might be it? You never know. O.M. Grey, a knowledgeable polyamory writer and prolific blogger, talks about the characteristics of a polyamorists. Is your relationship ready for polyamory? O.M. Grey explains more. Read on!

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I’ve learned so  much in the past two years. And I’m going to share it with you without holding back. Not even a little bit. This is “my truth,” as the new-agey, responsibility-avoiding people like to say.

My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years. Although, I suppose the first few were much more about being a non-descript form of an open marriage since we weren’t seeking multiple, committed, loving relationships. The theory behind our lifestyle is what I’ve said again and again: Love breeds love and desire breeds desire. Any encounter we had outside our marriage during those first few years were very open and the intentions on both sides were very, very clear.

When we moved into practicing polyamory (seeking out another committed, loving relationship) I learned not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as us. Well, as those people who are successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.

So let's take apart, "poly" and "amory" to understand better.

What is poly?

Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really focused on quantity rather than quality. Alright. I can have more than one girlfriend/lover. So, I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see... I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!

Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months. Hello! Not polyamory! That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ending!

Also in the Austin, poly community are several truly polyamorous families. They are what’s known as the “core group.” One of them even call themselves the polypod, and I think that’s rather adorable. The polypod, from what I’ve seen (and I’ve only seen them from a distance), as well as the few other multi-relationship groups who I know a little better and I’d consider friends, are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully. They are open, honest, respectful, loving and supportive. They commit and invest in their relationships.

They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about more love… not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that. Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.


What about 'amory' or love?

The most successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about love! It’s all about love! Relationships take effort, investment, time and energy to solidify. If you claim to be poly, think about this: If you want to be poly, think about this:

Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.

When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one. This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, by the way, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.

How to become polyamorous 

Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts. Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both side. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other.

Then, open up to dating others. I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for. If it is, be very up front about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first for another year!

Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous) and misunderstandings will arise.

Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so many people just don’t get it).
  
Healthy relationships require effort, investment and responsibility!

After the second relationship is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs that aren’t being met, then look for a third relationship. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone better, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your own little polypod. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love feels loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.

It’s about more love. Always, more love.

If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – why do you want another? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels. You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”

Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, you're not a poly! If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly. You’re selfish.

The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past few months. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?

And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long fucking way to go. I guess the anger portion of the grieving has set in. It’s about fucking time.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

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What's the Difference Between Sexuality and Sensuality?

It takes more than crazy sex positions and toys to enhance a couple's love life. Sexuality should be explored on a deeper level. Couples should be sensual with each other, but what do those things mean? What is Sensuality? Isn't it the same as Sexuality? Drs Janelle and Rob Alex define these ideas and explain how sensuality can enhance your life, in and out of the bedroom.

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The Differences

In an earlier post, 5 Ways to Make Sex Sensual, we said, “when you hear the word “sensual” you are most likely going to relate it to something sexual.” This may not ring true in all cultures, but the majority of Americans do create a direct correlation between sensuality and sexuality in their minds. In fact, thousands and thousands of people use those two words interchangeably. But, do they really mean the same thing? Is one truly synonymous with the other? We don’t believe so. On the other hand, sensual experiences can most certainly lead to sexual experiences.

Sexuality

The actual definition of “sexuality” describes it as one’s capacity to have sexual feelings as well as what one’s sexual preferences are. These are physical, animalistic traits. They can still feel good, but just performing the act of sex does not mean that you will explore the senses. Simply engaging in sexual activity does not mean that you will gratify your sensual self. Sexuality can be solely about lust and the desire to jump your lover, rip off his or her clothes and get busy.

Sensuality

Sensuality is slower and arouses, as well as gratifies, all of the senses. Moving sensually could mean a slow sway of your hips or running your hand slowly up your lover’s chest. The sway of your hips will increase the flow of energy moving throughout your body and you can take in the feeling of this while those sexy and sensual movements visually stimulate your partner. As you can see, sexy and sensual can start to integrate at this point.

Leaving out sensuality and only focusing on the sexual you can miss out on the potential for extraordinary sensations and an out-of-this world climax. Becoming fully aware of the sensations within your body during lovemaking is what makes it sensual. In a sense, it is animalistic. After all, most animals can hear, smell, taste, see, and feel. But, moving it beyond just a quick sexual encounter gives both you and your lover the opportunity to savor the feel of one another’s touch, relish in each other’s natural smell (or soap or cologne), soak up the glorious view of your bodies, taste each other, and revel in the whispered words, moans, or sexy screams that escape you.

The Journey

Awakening your senses and then exploring how to gratify them can take you on a phenomenal journey. In fact, according to a teacher from the African Dagara Tribe, that is what “lovemaking” would translate as – going on a journey together. When the two of you bring more sensuality into your lives you will come to understand that it is not just about sex, and you can share sensual moments with your partner anywhere, anytime.

That shared journey can start long before the bedroom and last extensively afterwards. You can reach over and draw little circles with your finger on your lover’s wrist at dinner. You can slip your hand underneath their shirt and lightly rub your partner's back while walking down the street. You can wear clothing that you know will arouse your partner's senses. These are just a couple of examples. Adding this aspect and expanding the sensuality in your relationship will open the two of you to a deeper connection. Not only is it likely that your souls will blend together more freely, but it is also true that you will open more easily to a reconnection with your own soul.

Transcend

This leads to a greater possibility of transcendent sex, which means you gain access to the Divine through lovemaking (and that has nothing to do with being religious or not). Your creative energy will flow more freely, you will gain a new level of confidence in daily life, and yep, you will actually have a natural glow.

So, awaken to the powerful difference between “sexuality” and “sensuality”. To recap, sexuality is focused on the sexual act while sensuality focuses on pleasuring and gratifying all of your senses while connecting to your souls. Coming to this realization can not only enhance your lovemaking, but help it transcend basic, animalistic gratification.



Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis. Follow them on Twitter @sexychallenges and Facebook.

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3 Ways Touching Improves Your Marriage

Several days ago, we saw a note on Facebook asking how many times a day partners usually touch. Personally, I touch my partner about 20 times probably. I love touching them! But does it matter? Why does touching matter in long-term relationships or marriage?

Tommy Allen is back with his views on the power of the physical touch in a relationship. And he's not just talking about sexual touch. Just physical touch! He has been happily married for over 30 years. With that much experience in the realm of marriage, he offers some great insight from the male perspective. In one of his latest articles, Tommy wrote about how to drive your man wild using your five senses. Here he takes one of those senses, touch and writes about its importance in a committed relationship. We already know about the importance of touching ourselves, so lets get into why we need to touch our lovers more!

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#1 Touch and get closer--literally

You'd be surprised at how many couples, some married many years, who hardly ever touch. Sure he'll grab her hand and lead her down a sidewalk or through a crowd, but not in a very romantic way.

I can always tell the general feelings of affection when I'm around other couples by how "hands-on" they are. Those that are together because it's too much trouble not to be, are obvious. They never sit too close. Rarely touching. They never look at each other and they never include their mate in their personal space.

You see, when you are so madly and foolishly into someone, you just can't keep your hands (and feet, but that's another story) off them. You want them sharing every inch of your space with you. I constantly want to feel the warmth of her body and if I take her hand, or she takes mine, it's not to lead the way but to feel the spark between our palms travel from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

#2 Hugs for happiness

A simple hug can speak volumes in a few seconds about your love and lust. When I put my arms around her, my fingers travel the length of her spine to reach the small of her back.

It creates shock waves between our spirits, even if only for a moment. I appreciate every sensation as her body presses against mine. Then as we back away, the consciousness of the shared sensations are stored as sensual energy for later.

#3 Get absorbed in each other!

Public displays of affection? There can never be too much affection, public or private. Yeah, there comes a time to "get a room," but I certainly don't mind seeing a couple so absorbed in each other that no one else matters. It's beautiful! GetLusty for Couples is all about finding these happy spaces for a couple.

Unless you're crossing their boundaries, don't listen to those nay-sayers. Those complainers are usually loveless, jealous, anti-romantic begrudging beings only wishing it were them being doted on, anyway.

Live, love and touch. Touch a lot. Be familiar with every inch. Know it well. Be able to feel her touch even in your dreams. Then make your dreams a reality.

Cross posted with permission from Sex Money And Life.

When Tommy Allen first got in touch with us, we were so excited to feature his articles. Tommy has been happily married for 34 years and together he and his wife has 3 grown sons. He is a student of life and love. He loves to learn by watching, listening and observing others.

He use his blog to share his observations on life, love and relationships. Love is Tommy's favorite subject. He and his wife have lived, loved, loved and loved some more in Daytona Beach for more than 18 years. Check out his blog at www.bedroombootcamps.com

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10 Ways Sex Changes After Kids

At Get Lusty for Couples, we care about all couples and that's why we wanted to bring up the topic of couples with children. We know it can be a tough process to try and raise a family and keep a spicy love life going. However, it is possible and can even change and grow your love life in unexpected ways! A pat on the back to all the parents out there, but don't forget to spread the love with your significant other every chance you get. Eileen Prouffe, a loving wife and mom of three, will talk about the good and the bad of how to keep a lusty relationship going as parents. 

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It's no secret that it can be hard to maintain and nurture a happy and healthy sex life, but add children to the mix and things can get even harder. So below are ten ways sex changes after having children--the good, the bad, and even ways you can get better! Read on.

#1 Finding a place to "do it"

It's hard to be intimate when children are around all the time, but don't be afraid to show love in front of them. It's healthy for children to see their parents happy and in love. If you really are in the mood to get down and dirty then move the kids bedtime a little earlier so you can have more time alone. Don't forget; a happy couple equals a happy family.

#2 Having energy to "do it" 

Sometimes when couples are juggling so much like work, household chores, bills, etc. Having enough energy to perform more physical movements can be difficult, but not impossible. Try to make sure you are both getting enough rest every day and also try turning off the t.v. earlier so you can enjoy each other instead of other people. Give that person by your side most of your attention; they deserve it and so do you.

#3  Negative body image

Pregnancy, stress and weight gain can lead couples to feel less sexy about their bodies which may cause each other to feel a little embarrassed about getting naked and having a passionate moment.  There are two solutions to this problem, and one of them is to get over it (get naked and feel good about it) and just have a good time. It is Naked November after all. More often than not, your partner is not obsessing over your imperfections. If they love you, then they will accept you for who are and who you have become.  Secondly, if body image really is an issue or your partner could lose a few pounds for health reasons, then get your groove on in the bedroom and burn some calories together.

#4 Time factors

Some couples really do want to spend more time together, but really aren't able to due to conflicting work schedules, school or extra curricular activities. This is where couples need to decide what is most important. Some couples look for new jobs with better work hours so they can have time for their loved ones, but that's not always an option. Sometimes it's better for a partner to drop one or two of their activities, or at least invite their partner to join them. This way, they can have a romantic time while doing it. For example, some couples may play a sport together like basketball and they make the effort to fondle each other during the game.  Dating your significant other is essential and definitely improves your relationship.

#5 Loss of interest

Over time, couples can lose interest in each other and get tired of the same old routine.  This is why if couples want to keep their love alive, they need to make the effort!  Relationships and love lives take time and commitment and each of you need to be willing to give a little. Even food can get boring and bland, but if you add a little spice or different flavorings, then it can make a huge difference. Don't do the same thing every time.  Blow job today, doggy-style tomorrow.

It's not all doom and gloom when couples have kids in fact, it can bring them together even more.

#6 Take a break

It's not a bad thing to take a break from your children.  After all, it might help everyone if mom and dad are happy. To add a little more excitement, get a baby sitter and take a getaway.  Check out living social for a weekend getaway that's close by or even sign up for their getaway deals.  Places don't need to be fancy to spark up the love.  A relaxing and private place will work.

#7 Bigger bond

Sometimes people are less open when they are a newer couple or haven't been through many experiences, but having a child and going through it all can cause many couples to open up even more. Women's breast enlarge and that can be a huge turn on for some men and sometimes the love increases because having a child can be a bonding experience. We all feel closer to people when we've been through exciting or memorable experiences with them. Use this bond to improve your sexual relationship!

#8 Opposite effect

While some people may have a dwindling sex life after kids, others may be fully aware of what could happen to their sex life and actually become the opposite. They may realize that it's possible for their partner to become uninterested or bored so, some people begin to whip out the lingerie or the partner starts investing in sexier clothing for their significant other, sex toys or (well-done) porn and the sparks just start flying. Don't be afraid to go for it.


#9 Relax  


The more a person gets to know another person the more they might feel comfortable, and if they see their partner is not comfortable they might offer a massage to get that person into the right state of mind. Knowing what another person needs is an important way to help them get into the state of mind they need to be in order to want to have sex. Draw up a relaxing bath with candles and wine or  make dinner to take a load off the other person. Sometimes it's the little things that matter.  People who have been together for a while usually get this and if they don't, now they can.

#10 Get creative

Let's face it; it's not always easy to have an awesome sex life with children in the house. So some couples have to just get creative and "do it" in the bathroom and lock the door (we have 13 ideas for spots in your apartment to have sex, too!). While this may seem goofy and uncomfortable, it can be pretty amazing having a mirror available or even a shower to jump into together. However it works out doesn't really matter as long as it does work and everyone is happy and satisfied. 

Everyone will not have a perfect sex life, but everyone can have a better one.  If you're willing to invest a little time to do so, it can improve. Children don't have to pull the plug on your love life and you shouldn't let it.  Take action and find the time to take care of business.

Eileen Prouffe is a new GetLusty writer, but has over ten years as a working mom and trying to keep her love alive. If she's not having fun with her three kids, she's staring into the eyes of her loving husband. She looks forward to sharing her ideas, tips and knowledge with everyone to help improve relationships and put an end to dull sex lives. Get in touch with Eileen at eileen@getlusty.com. 

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