Your Sexuality is a Gift: Are You Giving It?

Ladies, we want your sexuality! Sexuality makes the world go 'round. Well, it does at GetLusty for Couples anyway. We're not just talking about your bodies here – we want you to share your passion and energy with us. We want you to realize what a gift your sexuality really is, and not just for your partner, but also for the world. The level of passion you have in your libido reflects directly to the level of passion in your heart and mind, affecting every aspect of your life. Joanna Kennedy, owner and director of Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure, explains how your sexuality truly is a gift for the world.

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I've truly come to realize the essential role our sexuality plays in enjoying a happy, healthy, vibrant, love-filled life. We so much more to give when our lives are rich, full, and overflowing with pleasure and joy. Our happiness and a skip in our step make others smile. It reminds them of the joy inside themselves.

You've experienced, or a least seen someone else with, that warm, alive, playful glow that has, "I've just had amazing sex," written all over it. We feel so alive in those moments. They can be the moments of our greatest creativity, our greatest generosity, our greatest connections.

Yet life has us busy. Deadlines keep us running. Exhaustion wins over lovemaking.

Do the world a favor this new year and connect with your sexuality. If you have a partner, make love with the openness of your heart. Find each other again, even if it's been years. If you're single, find something that turns you on – that awakens and raises the sexual energy in you – a book, movie, a dance, an activity, a conversation, a fantasy. Find something that stirs your juices and just enjoy the pleasure it brings to your body, the smile it can't help but put on your face.

Best-selling author and TV host, Dr. Oz says, "As a nation, we are in a sexual famine. Simply put, not enough people are getting down on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis." He reminds us, “We’re not having sex anymore, and we’re not doing things that bring us vitality and joy of life."

It's been documented that we live longer, healthier, happier lives when we're enjoying quality sex. I say it's time for us to connect with this powerful life force within ourselves and use if for good. I began a recent talk saying, "What makes you turned-on, alive and passionate in the bedroom is what will make your business turned-on, alive and passionate - making a big contribution to the world."

The more than 40 people in the room got a taste of what it's like to be on fire with desire – turned on by life and there wasn't a touch, kiss, or a physically intimate moment anywhere to be seen. We were simply beginning to understand that we don't have to turn off our fire, juice or passion when we leave the bedroom.

What would the world be like if we had more time and space, if we slowed our drive to just enjoy the simple pleasures again – a good hug, a warm drink, a smile, a conversation, a romp in the hay on Saturday afternoon? Can you find the time?

For years women have wanted men to connect their heart with their sexuality. Today, I believe it's time for women to reconnect their hearts with their sexuality. It's still true that for most women to be turned-on and fully open sexually, they need to be turned-on in their heart (Men, that's a hint). And, women, it seems that many of us as times, sometimes for a few days and sometimes for years or decades, settle just for love. When we do that we're missing out – missing out on a fundamental source of pleasure, joy, connection and vital energy. Women, it's time to allow this powerful source of energy, love and joy support us again. It's not something we can live without. Well, we can, but it depends on how you define living.

If something is blocking you – a physical pain or challenge, insecurity, shame, confusion, lack of knowledge – I don't care what it is; I invite and implore you to clear the roadblocks and reawaken the vibrant, creative and passionate you. Gift yourself with the abundant pleasure, the spiritual awakening power, the vitality that comes with reawakening and expressing your sexuality.

I invite you to offer that gift to your beloved – your alive awakened sexuality, and if it doesn't feel so alive anymore, then simply give him or her the gift of your willingness to re-explore it.

I invite you to give the world the gift of your passion, your excitement, your turn-on, your joy. The world needs more of our pleasure right now. We've repressed too much pain and loss. I wonder what would change if we found the time, space and energy to truly re-connect with each other – our deepest hearts with our families, our bodies and hearts with our beloveds, our passion and commitment to happiness, joy and healing with our neighbors, friends and the world.

I wonder what would happen...

Cross posted with permission from Happiness, Love and Pleasure.

Joanna founded the Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure where she offers private sessions, products, and workshops that help liberate men and women to be their natural selves, have passionate sex lives, and create deeply loving relationships. She dedicates her life to helping men and women take off their masks, be themselves, and remember the power and potential of love. Personally, she practices living every moment of life as an expression of love, joy, peace, and passion, while keeping a constant focus on authenticity and intimacy. Follow her blog at Happiness, Love and Pleasure. Follow her on Facebook here.

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5 Minutes to More Mindful Love

Living in a big city (or even a small town) sometimes the world can get the best of us. We couples will stress out and forget what life is all about. Of course, we're all about inspiration to live an amazing life (have you seen our 'Inspiration' board on Pinterest, for example). And many times, that simply requires being more mindful and relaxed with you. So we thought we'd ask our favorite Sacred and Sensual Teachers, Drs. Janelle and Rob Alex, how to be more mindful. There are simple ways to live a more relaxed, mindful life. Right now! Curious? Read on!

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Mindfulness stems from Buddhist teachings and can be quite profound once you raise your awareness and bring it into your life. In fact, when you become more mindful, those around you become more mindful too. You exude this state and it brings this type of being into the conscious and unconscious minds of those you encounter.

In a sense the word “mindful” is a bit of a paradox. When you practice this way of being you focus in gently on your present moment and the full experience of being present in that moment. You allow all the pressures of work, household chores, your guilt for not exercising today, the stack of bills on the desk, etc. to fade from your consciousness as you focus solely on the moment. Your mind is not “full” of all these other things. Instead, it is free and clear (that is your intent) to accept your full experience. Hey, doesn’t that sound awesome for lovemaking? Being able to let go of the lists in your head and the stressors from the day and solely focus on the sensations and emotions that you are sharing with your sweetheart is a phenomenal benefit of learning to practice mindfulness.

But, how can you let those things go? Here are two options that can be done in five minutes.

Mindful shower meditation

When you take a shower give your full attention to the way the water feels as it runs down your body. Feel the warmth. You can even adjust the temperature just for the purpose of being mindful of how cooler water or hotter water affects different parts of your body. As you lather soap feel its slickness, breathe deeply filling your lungs with the scent, feel your hands rubbing the soap over each part of your body. Feel with your hands and feel with each individual part of your body.

Allow the sensations to be separate and then allow them to flow together as a whole. Notice how your feet are touching the shower floor. Notice the water pooling around your feet, running between your toes. Focus momentarily on each toe and what it feels like as it helps balance you. Do you feel the ridges in the shower floor or the bumps of a bathmat? When you shift into a new position feel how the shower spray changes and touches different parts of your body. Listen to it splattering against the shower wall, the shampoo bottles, the shower floor, and your body.

Do this practice by yourself until you feel comfortable with it. Later you can ask your lover to shower with you and the two of you can experience this together. You can still focus on your own body, but you can also focus on your lover’s body.

This is a practice that may move into sensual intimate play with yourself or with your lover. When practicing such deep mindfulness during your play you will open to the sacredness of lovemaking.

Loving kindness mindful meditation

This is very different kind of practice than the previous one. With this practice you are going to focus sexual energy with loving thoughts towards the health and happiness of others.

Create a safe and sacred space in which to make love with your partner. Use soft lighting or candles. Play pleasing music that you both enjoy. You may even choose to use scented oil or lube to enhance the experience. Then engage in sensual play. Throughout the experience focus on the moment – each feeling, each sensation, each breath (take notice of your breath as often as you can). After the two of you are sated, lie quietly together with your hands placed on your lower abdomens, which will place them above your sacral chakras. Your palms should be against your skin. It is also powerful to place your thumbs together and the tips of your index fingers. This will make the shape of a triangle.

Then you are to focus loving thoughts towards either someone in particular or even the Universe as a whole. Imagine them filled with happiness and vibrant health. Focus solely on sending warm and loving light toward them. In these moments of mindfulness, you are directing your sexual energy towards healing others and sharing the sacredness of two souls blending together in lovemaking.

You can easily add these mindfulness exercises into your day-to-day life, which will open you to more sacred sensuality with yourself and with your lover. This will help you bring sacred sexuality into your daily life as well. (What is the difference between sensuality and sexuality? See a previous post we shared.) It only takes five minutes. Try it. You can do it sitting at your desk as well – just focus in on the feel of everything, the scents, the things you see, the sounds you are hearing. The where and when doesn’t matter once you are used to doing it. And, the more you practice the more you will notice it simply becoming a normal part of you and your experience. It will begin to transform you and bring you more joy, more peace and a deep sense of relaxation.

One final note – when random thoughts, worries about the kids or a noisy neighbor interrupt your mindfulness practice simply make note of it, allow it, accept it, and then refocus. If you need to, return your focus to your breathing first, then move back into focusing on your sensations. Do not judge yourself or become frustrated when other things enter. It is going to happen. Let it and then let it be.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacret and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Sexy Challenges.

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Why Straight Couples Should Support Marriage Equality in Illinois

How right is marriage equality? The fact that not all of the loving and consensually passionate couples out there aren't able to commit to one another. To put it simple: the legislation is outdated and needs to be revised. Thank goodness now, 9 states have legalized gay marriage so far. We at GetLusty think that's not enough.

But new news! Marriage equality is getting closer with the upcoming vote on Illinois legislation that could make IL number 10! According to the Chicago Phoenix, though, "A coalition of lawmakers, activists and organizations backing a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in Illinois announced Thursday that despite intense efforts to pass the legislation in the lame duck session of the current General Assembly, a full vote on the bill may not happen." Activists in Springfield, including Anthony Martinez, Executive Director at The Civil Rights Agenda are still very hopeful. Again, according to the Chicago Phoenix, Anthony notes, “As I said before, legislation always meets bumps on the road; these things can turn on a dime.”

We've noted before that we support marriage equality. And because we've seen this image in support of marriage equality floating around the interwebs (including on our Pinterest page), we thought we'd share. It explains why loving straight couples should support loving gay couples in their right for marriage. Through food! Do you believe in marriage equality, too? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below! Want to find and share our pin from Pinterest? Check out the pin from Pinterest here!

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The High Price of Marriage Inequality (Infographic)

How wrong is marriage inequality? The fact that not all of the loving and consensually passionate couples out there aren't able to commit to one another. To put it simple: the legislation is outdated and needs to be revised. Thank goodness now, 9 states have legalized gay marriage so far. We at GetLusty think that's not enough. 

We've noted before that we support marriage equality. Besides the usual social reasons, maybe we could all use some economic reasons? What about the economic reasoning why loving gay couples should be able to have the same rights as heterosexual couples? Thank goodness--we were digging on Pinterest and we found an infographic describing the situation.

So, in GetLusty for Couples fashion, we had to share it! Do you believe in marriage equality, too? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below! Want to find and share our pin from Pinterest? Check out the pin from Pinterest here!

You have read this article gay / gay couples / gay rights / heterosexuality / homosexuality / love / marriage with the title love. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-high-price-of-marriage-inequality.html. Thanks!

Couples! 7 Hot Holiday Activities for Christmas Week

Who can believe Christmas week is here in full swing?! What better time for holiday-themed happiness than right now? Don't let the romance slip away during these next few months. Instead, rev up your love life this holiday season with these seven sexy and romantic tips that will surely heat you up! Who needs a Snuggie when Sandra Koellmann is here with even sexier ways to heat up your love life? Read on and find out more!

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#1 Holiday lights in the bedroom

Those strands of little lights don’t have to just be for holiday decorating in the family room. Try using some lights in the bedroom! Put them on the headboard and foot board of the bed or wrap them around the bed frame. Try mounting them on the ceiling or stringing them up around the dresser. No matter where you hang them, they will create some romantic mood lighting.

#2 Hide and seek

Generally, we’re either the person who hides the surprise or we’re the person who finds the surprise. Be spontaneous this holiday season! Instead of hiding or seeking gifts, play hide & seek with each other. Here’s how it works: one of you hides in a room of the house where you would like to have sex. Once the other person finds you, they get to pick a sex position they would like to try. One person gets to pick “where” and the other person gets to pick “how”... it’s a win for both of you! Be even more adventurous and try it at night with the lights off.

#3 Dinner party for two 

During the holidays we generally focus on parties with family, friends, and co-workers. This year, try having a party for just the two of you! You can shop for dinner together, and you can cook dinner together. Heck, you can even feed each other dinner! 

You can even try decorating the dinner table and dining area together. Afterwards, make sure to do the dishes together. Dipping your hands together in warm, sudsy water can be stimulating. Have fun with it! But do the dishes later. They can wait until after you’ve had dessert in bed!

#4 Picnic by the fireplace

Who says picnics are for summer days at the park? Try bringing that picnic indoors this winter. Take that warm blanket you usually bundle up with when watching TV and throw it down in front of a warm fireplace. If you think dinner by candlelight is romantic, wait until you’ve had dinner by the fireplace! And don’t forget to roast marshmallows for dessert.

#5 Peppermint foot massage

A massage that smells as good as it feels! This gives new meaning to the words “aromatherapy” and “couples massage”. Find a nice foot massage creme that is infused with peppermint oil and lie down on a bed or couch.

Each of your heads will be at opposite ends. Your feet should be facing towards the other person’s head. Massage each others feet at the same time. It’s as simple as that. This is a great way to relax together!

Alternatively, try it while watching your favorite movie or even your home movies! You don't necessarily need to face your partner. You could give each other a massage one at a time. Do you have video or pictures together? You haven't seen those in a while!

#6 Naked ho ho home cooking

This Christmas, surprise your partner by cooking his or her favorite meal. Add a little extra surprise by wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a holiday apron. And make sure you’re wearing a bow under that apron because, at some point, the apron will come off! You can even decorate yourself and the table with mistletoe. And don’t forget to hang some of that mistletoe over the bedroom door and bed!

#7 The $5 shopping spree 

Expectations about the gifts our partner will get us, can some times be a bit high. To relieve some of the pressure try this. Go to your local Dollar Store together and only take $5 each. Give yourselves 30 min or less to shop. And remember - it’s the thought that counts! The rules: each of you pick out four gifts for the other person (silly, sensual, sincere, sexy and sentimental). 

Avoid going down the same aisle at the same time, avoid paying at the same register. Keep your gifts a secret until you unwrap them together at home. Feel free to exchange gifts alone in the bedroom before you go to sleep. Then, take turns exchanging one gift at a time until all four gifts have been given. Be sure to tell your partner what made you choose the gift. This gift-giving time together can be very intimate. You’ll laugh together and maybe even cry together. But most of all, you’ll love together. 

These activities are a great way to connect with your partner this holiday season. Just be sure to re-connect as often as you can after the New Year. Remember, the couple who plays together, stays together!

We believe that anyone in a committed, loving relationship can benefit from Passion Parties’ products. Our line of love potions, sensual accessories, and adult toys open lines of communication and add an exciting new dimension of pleasure and fun. Simply talking about sex and trying something new often leads to a renewed passion that is both fulfilling and re-energizes your sex life. If you’ve ever thought that passionate monogamy might be an oxymoron, then let us show you how to reconnect with your sexy side.

Speaking of a hot holiday, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty. 

Sandra Koellmann is a Sexuality Educator in the San Diego, CA area. She earned her B.A. degree in Human Development Counseling Services with an emphasis in Human Sexuality from California State University San Marcos. She is a graduate of the National Sexuality Resource Center Summer Institute at San Francisco State University. Sandra also completed the SAR (Sexual Attitude Restructuring) program at The Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco.

Sandra has worked with the Hope & Wellness Center through Student Health and Counseling Services at CSUSM as an “Ask the Sexperts” lecture presenter. She also worked as a behavioral science teaching assistant at CSUSM helping students develop projects that explored sexual health and sex education. Sandra was also a volunteer with the LGBTQA Pride Center at CSUSM.

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Keep The Romance: Why It's Not Just About Sex

Romance is a wonderful thing. We agree having a wonderful marriage isn't just about romance and sex. There are 5 pillars of an amazing sexual relationship. That's why we're very excited about the next stage of GetLusty for Couples. Our beta is now live. We welcome you to sign up today! Whether you're in Chicago or San Fransisco, we'll have valuable ways to improve your sexual relationship.

For now, let's ponder how important sex and romance are to our most intimate sexual relationships. Our favorite husband, Tommy Allen, is here to talk briefly about why romance and sex are equally important.

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Romance is such a special thing. It's not about sex. Romance is about a particular, extraordinary connection you feel with someone very special and your burning desire to express that feeling.

Romance is holding hands, opening car doors, hugging and kissing (lot's of kissing), smiling and heaps of touching. Romance is sharing your life with another in the most intimate of ways short of actual sexual activity. It's eating from the same fork, drinking from the same straw and using the same chap stick. Anything to feel closer to the one you love and have that intimate contact with their most personal being, feelings, and thoughts.

Romance is being so close when you are sitting together that your legs touch. It's rubbing your toes together when lying in bed. Romance is the fascination you feel about everything your lover says and feels. It's your inability to keep your hands off them when they walk by.

I love the physical contact associated with romance. I never get enough hand holding, toe touching, close up slow dancing and dinner sharing. The more physical contact I have during the day makes my whole attitude improve.

Anytime you walk, hold hands. Feel and enjoy every finger as they are intertwined with yours. Enjoy the sense of security knowing they're there. Let the warmth of their palms fire up your attraction.

Romance should be a part of your normal activity. Go out to dinner and enjoy each other's company as if you are dating. Don't have a date night — have a date life. There is no special day to be romantic, be romantic every day. I've never heard of anyone being against romance. You may wish you had more of it in your life. You may feel like it's hopeless, that you'll never have that special romantic feeing from anyone. But you can change that, you must become the romantic.

Next time you go out with someone special, grab their hand and link your fingers. Give it a good squeeze and let that warmth of your affection flow through your palms. You'll feel better and I'll bet they will, too.

Originally posted on Tommy Allen's Blog.


Tommy is our favorite husband of over 3 decades! He now shares his ideas with other couples to help with their success. How great!

Tommy has been happily married for 34 years and together he and his wife have 3 grown sons. He is a student of life and love. He loves to learn by watching, listening and observing others. He use his blog to share his observations on life, love and relationships. Love is Tommy's favorite subject. He and his wife have lived and loved and loved and loved some more in Daytona Beach for more than 18 years. Want to see more from Tommy? Check out his blog.

You have read this article Communication / intimacy / lasting love / love / romance / Tommy with the title love. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/12/keep-romance-why-it-not-just-about-sex.html. Thanks!

4 Ways to Practice Self Love

The first in a two part series on self love, it's time for some honest. GetLusty woman to lusty woman. This topic is very close to myself and the other ladies here at GetLusty. What is it you ask? Today, I'm talking about self love. Your body, your curves. Everything about you. You're gorgeous and wonderful. GetLusty for Couples is all about positive body image, and acceptance at any and every size and shape. We don't condone body bashing. Before anything else you need to love yourself as you are. Crimson Love reports.

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As a woman who is still struggling with my own body image I can honestly say, I know it's easier said than done. The media doesn't help when it's shoving images of tan, taught and "perfect" looking people down your throat daily. The best thing to remember is that those people and images are tools. For advertising. Body acceptance and self love are life long journeys for most people (including myself) so here are some ways to point you in the right direction. Thanks to MadameNoire.com for the pic.

#1 Masturbate

Yes, touch yourself. Touch yourself all over and enjoy it. There is nothing better than getting down right intimate and lovey with yourself. Make yourself feel good, get your endorphins going and take note of how sexy it feels when you're enjoying yourself. Imagine how your man feels when he gets to have you. Lucky guy!

#2 Accept compliments graciously (people mean what they say)

Accepting compliments is an art. Psychology Today wrote an explanatory, "how-to" on the topic that was surprisingly helpful. Overall, when your man tells you he loves you, loves your body and thinks your beautiful without makeup, in your sweats, with your hair up, he means it.

Perfect example, one night in bed I asked my boyfriend why he loved my body. This is what he said verbatim: "It's sexy, it's cuddly, it's perfect. You have great boobs, an amazing pussy, and shapely legs. I think you're just beautiful."

He is not the best with expressing his feelings but he got down to the point. I accepted his compliment because he often shows me he adores me and my body. You can accept and internalize compliments, too! Retaining the positive people in your life helps keep your mind, body & sex life in peak performance. Thanks to Flickr for the pic.

#3 Practice self affirmations

Even if you don't feel it at the moment, tell yourself good things about yourself in the mirror or just in general.

The more you tell yourself these things the more you will start to see it and believe it.

Start with the things you love about yourself and then move to the things you're not so keen on and find things about them you do like.

The more you do this the more you will come to love your self as is and the better you will be to your body.

#4 Stay healthy

Don't remember the last time you went outside for a walk, jog or to play your favorite sport? That's not a good sign. Your health affects almost every aspect of your life. Your body is the only vessel you have for your mind, heart and soul. Treat it well, eat properly, go to the spa every once in a while, practice good grooming habits, get active and let your body do what it was made to do.

With love from GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

You have read this article advice / better sex / for couples / for men / for women / health / love / self love with the title love. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/12/4-ways-to-practice-self-love.html. Thanks!

3 Ways Touching Improves Your Marriage

Several days ago, we saw a note on Facebook asking how many times a day partners usually touch. Personally, I touch my partner about 20 times probably. I love touching them! But does it matter? Why does touching matter in long-term relationships or marriage?

Tommy Allen is back with his views on the power of the physical touch in a relationship. And he's not just talking about sexual touch. Just physical touch! He has been happily married for over 30 years. With that much experience in the realm of marriage, he offers some great insight from the male perspective. In one of his latest articles, Tommy wrote about how to drive your man wild using your five senses. Here he takes one of those senses, touch and writes about its importance in a committed relationship. We already know about the importance of touching ourselves, so lets get into why we need to touch our lovers more!

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#1 Touch and get closer--literally

You'd be surprised at how many couples, some married many years, who hardly ever touch. Sure he'll grab her hand and lead her down a sidewalk or through a crowd, but not in a very romantic way.

I can always tell the general feelings of affection when I'm around other couples by how "hands-on" they are. Those that are together because it's too much trouble not to be, are obvious. They never sit too close. Rarely touching. They never look at each other and they never include their mate in their personal space.

You see, when you are so madly and foolishly into someone, you just can't keep your hands (and feet, but that's another story) off them. You want them sharing every inch of your space with you. I constantly want to feel the warmth of her body and if I take her hand, or she takes mine, it's not to lead the way but to feel the spark between our palms travel from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

#2 Hugs for happiness

A simple hug can speak volumes in a few seconds about your love and lust. When I put my arms around her, my fingers travel the length of her spine to reach the small of her back.

It creates shock waves between our spirits, even if only for a moment. I appreciate every sensation as her body presses against mine. Then as we back away, the consciousness of the shared sensations are stored as sensual energy for later.

#3 Get absorbed in each other!

Public displays of affection? There can never be too much affection, public or private. Yeah, there comes a time to "get a room," but I certainly don't mind seeing a couple so absorbed in each other that no one else matters. It's beautiful! GetLusty for Couples is all about finding these happy spaces for a couple.

Unless you're crossing their boundaries, don't listen to those nay-sayers. Those complainers are usually loveless, jealous, anti-romantic begrudging beings only wishing it were them being doted on, anyway.

Live, love and touch. Touch a lot. Be familiar with every inch. Know it well. Be able to feel her touch even in your dreams. Then make your dreams a reality.

Cross posted with permission from Sex Money And Life.

When Tommy Allen first got in touch with us, we were so excited to feature his articles. Tommy has been happily married for 34 years and together he and his wife has 3 grown sons. He is a student of life and love. He loves to learn by watching, listening and observing others.

He use his blog to share his observations on life, love and relationships. Love is Tommy's favorite subject. He and his wife have lived, loved, loved and loved some more in Daytona Beach for more than 18 years. Check out his blog at www.bedroombootcamps.com

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10 Books to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

GetLusty for Couples is all about -- couples. Marriage is full of happiness and beauty until it's not. Heated arguments, mismatched libidos, and difficult transitions into parenthood can take it's toll on any couple. We've all been there; working through issues and traumas to have the best marriage. To continue with our favorite books on marriage, here are 10 more to help you have the best marriage possible and enhance your relationship. Think your marriage/ couplehood life together is amazing? Now is the perfect time to continue to work on having the best relationship. GetLusty staff writer Jason Estrada reports.

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#1 The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships
Author: Gary D Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas

According to ChristianBook.com, this book will help you identify your own language of apology and will clear the way toward healing and sustaining all your vital relationships. Through field-tested research the authors detail proven techniques for giving and receiving effective apologies.

"The authors stress that you need to learn the "language" of the person you are apologizing to: for one person, it may be expressing regret, while for another it's accepting responsibility or making restitution. Especially useful is the chapter that helps readers learn which language of apology feels most sincere to them." (Publishers Weekly)

#2 How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
Author: Milan Yerkovich and Kay Yerkovich

According to Amazon: In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage.

#3 Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
Author: Stan Tatkin PsyD MFT and Harville Hendrix PhD

According to Amazon: Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts. "Wired for Love" is a complete insider's guide to understanding a partner's brain and promoting love and trust within a romantic relationship. Readers learn ten scientific principles they can use to avoid triggering fear and panic in their partners, manage their partners' emotional reactions when they do become upset, and recognize when the brain's threat response is hindering their ability to act in a loving way. By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure.

#4 The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide
Author: Michele Weiner-Davis

According to Amazon: 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. 

Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals." 

#5 Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Author: Harriet Lerner

According to Amazon: Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.)

"This book is an astonishing blend of down-home wisdom and clinical experience. I can't think of a better comprehensive guide to making marriage work for today's couples. Read it for your own relationship and give it to every newlywed you know." William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor at the University of Minnesota and author of "Take Back Your Marriage"

#6 Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
Author: Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks

According to Amazon: Here is a powerful new program that can clear away the unconscious agreements patterns that undermine even your best intentions. Through their own marriage and through twenty years' experience  counseling more than one thousand couples, therapists Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise strategies to help you create a vital partnership and enhance the energy, creativity, and happiness of each individual.

#7 Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More and Argue Less As Your Family Grows
Author: Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, Julia Stone and Rosario Camacho-Koppel

According to Amazon: Babyproofing Your Marriage is the warts-and-all truth about how having children can affect your relationship. The transition to parenthood can be a tough adjustment for any couple, but the good news is: you are not alone. Better yet, there are hundreds of simple but effective ways you can stay connected as husband and wife and still be good parents. The authors' evenhanded approach to both sides of the marital equation allows spouses to understand each other in a whole new way. With loads of humor, compassion, and practical advice, the Babyproofers will guide first-time parents and veterans alike around the rocky shores of the early parenting years.

#8 Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
Author: Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg

According to Amazon: New and revised, Fighting for Your Marriage is based on the widely acclaimed PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) approach. Groundbreaking studies have found that couples can use the strategies of this approach to handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up.

#9 Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
Author: Willard F. Harley

According to Amazon: How spouses treat each other has a tremendous bearing on the success and failure of marriage. In this completely updated and revised edition of Love Busters, Willard F. Harley, Jr., helps couples identify and overcome the most common habits that destroy the feeling of love, including selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, and thoughtless behavior. Harley also explains how to resolve common marital conflicts such as career choices and financial planning. You can't eliminate conflict altogether, but once these Love Busters are eliminated, conflicts can be resolved with love and grace. With Harley's expert guidance, couples will be able to avoid those behaviors that tear a marriage apart and focus instead on building their love for each other.

#10 Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In
Author: Laurie Puhn

According to Good Reads, In Fight Less, Love More, readers will learn how to identify the bad verbal habits, instinctive responses, and emotional reasoning that can cloud judgment and ultimately lead to the deterioration of otherwise healthy relationships.

"With advice that is nonjudgmental, extremely efficient, and clearly understandable, Puhn covers all aspects of romantic relationships, from problems like infidelity to boundaries giving couples of every strip something of benefit. Eschewing frustrating vagaries, sweeping generalizations, and gender-based assumptions, Puhn's extremely specific guide focuses on simple, rational solutions that primarily revolve around maintaining respect for one's partner. Readers will gain a great deal from her contribution to the genre." (Publishers Weekly)

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. You can email him at jason@getlusty.com, or try his Facebook page.

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Can You Cheat on Your Partner and Still Love Them?

We've said it before, there is no excuse for cheating. And if it happens? You have to make it right. What about for the person who's been cheated on, though? We've talked about what it's like to cheat from the cheaters. What we really love to bring into light is the love aspect of cheating partners. If they cheated, then that must mean they don't love their partner, right? It's never that easy. Author and Journalist Vicki Larson tackles this complicated matter.

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The big infidelity news this year was a story about 22-year-old actress Kristen Stewart cheating on her boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, with married “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders. If you even consider kissing and hugging cheating, which is all the tabloids caught them doing and all Stewart’s acknowledged. Still, it was enough to cause the 26-year-old Pattinson to declare he’s “heartbroken and humiliated” as he moved out of their L.A. home.

An interesting twist was that Stewart and Sanders apologized the day after the story broke — no denials, no lies, no spin. Stewart called the incident a “momentary indiscretion” and declared, “I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

Sanders’ apology to his wife and two children was similar: “I love them with all my heart.”

So, with all this love, love, love being professed post-make out session, the question that must be asked is — can you truly love someone and still cheat on him or her? It appears that, yes, you can love someone and still fool around on him or her if we are to believe Stewart and Sanders.

Wait a minute. Wouldn’t the cheater know that, if discovered, his/her partner would be hurt, humiliated, angry, sad, devastated? Well, yeah, unless they had an open relationship and they were free to canoodle with whomever. And wouldn’t the cheater be aware that he/she was lying to said beloved? Of course!

But as you probably already know, that doesn’t stop people from cheating. Loving a partner isn’t enough to stop some of us from fooling around.

So what’s going on? According to my chat with Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating, the college men in his study who cheated on their partners all said they loved them and didn’t want to lose them. The problem is they eventually want more — their partner’s love and sex with others.

At the point men enter into relationships they, too, think they want monogamy. It’s only after being in a relationship for months or years that they badly want sex with others. But by this point, they don’t want to break up with their partners because they have long-standing love. Instead of chancing that love by asking for extradyadic sex, they cheat. If they don’t get caught (and most don’t) it’s a rational choice.

Which means you can love your partner and still want to have, what he calls, hot meaningless sex with someone else. And, that’s what many people do — or, they just make out with someone they’re attracted to, a la Stewart and Sanders.

With all the neuroscience testing going on lately, we know, via brain scans, known as functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), that we are fully capable of having many kinds of love and that we may even be able to weed out those who would cheat on us one day.

But for now, we have to make some sort of peace with the idea of love, monogamy, and infidelity. Given what Pattinson has said in the past about love, I’m somewhat surprised by his reaction to Stewart’s make-out session:

“I think it’s to be with someone and let that person be herself. Each one has to live their own lives, but with the support of the other person. And you need to be able to do what you want. This is one of the definitions of a couple in love, because love is about so many other things.”

Needing to be “able to do what you want” is a pretty broad definition of love. Stewart acted on that by kissing someone she was attracted to while still being in love with her partner of four years. I guess she was able to do what she wanted, but just not that.

Oddly, many people are upset that Stewart is getting more flak than Sanders, who is married. One columnist wants to get Stewart off the hook entirely. We don’t like it when married people cheat, but are we saying that cheating in a long-term cohabiting relationship is less important/damaging than cheating in a marriage? That may prove to be be interesting as more people view living together as an alternative to marriage. Isn’t cheating cheating, regardless of marital status?

This article was cross posted with permission from Vicki Larson's blog.

Vicki Larson is a longtime journalist, writer, editor and freelancer whose work can be found in numerous places - websites, magazines, books, newspapers and now at GetLusty for Couples. Vicki is a divorced, co-parenting mother of two wonderful and tall sons. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and spends her time hiking or biking around when not behind her desk at the Marin Independent Journal, writing for numerous columns: Single Edition, Mommy Tracked, Huffington Post, ModernMom, and The Working Chronicles.
 She is co-writing a book, "The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Cynics, Commitaphobes and Connubial DIYers" - a cutting-edge book challenging our one-size-fits-all, till-death-do-we-part version of marriage while offering a new model for who we are today.  She is a ravenous observer of people and explorer of places and reader of things and loves to write and share her findings about marriage, society, children - life.

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7 Steps to Giving a Loving Sensual Massage

Sexual adventures don't just involve new positions, toys and fantasies. Sometimes a sensual touch or sensation is just as pleasurable as the act of sex itself. A massage is not just a nice thing to do once in awhile for your partner. In fact, giving someone a massage is so intimate and full of love that the sex that may follow will be even more intense and passionate. This is the season of giving. Why not give your partner a loving sensual massage this weekend? Whether or not sex does follow, the act of the massage is the perfect way to just say "I love you." Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc., our favorite sensual advisers, report.

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There is often a bit of a joke about women wanting a back rub or a foot rub before or after sex. Giving someone a back rub can most certainly lead to sexual intimacy whether or not you are already in a relationship. If giving your beloved a back rub can lead to more exciting adventures, then how about going a step further and giving him/her a full body sensual massage? Unsure of just how to go about that? Keep reading!

#1 Preparation 

* Make sure your hands are clean and your nails trimmed and smooth. (You may choose to go a step further and share a shower or bath together first. You can even wash each other.)

* Both of you should remove your jewelry.

* Place two sheets or blankets on the bed, the floor or a massage table if you happen to have one. If the room is cool, be sure to use a blanket or flannel sheets. Your lover will lie between these two sheets/blankets.

* Do your best to adjust the temperature of the room to around 70°.

* Have a pillow (a roll pillow if possible) to place under the backs of his/her knees when on the back and under the fronts of the ankles when on the stomach.

* You might want to gather some rose petals (or other flower petals) to rub across your lover’s skin as you massage him/her.

* Set the lighting low, use soft music, and add a gentle scent such as lavender or use lightly scented oil.

* Be certain your goal is to honor your sweetheart. Focus on giving to him/her. The ultimate goal isn’t really about sex, but instead communicating to your partner how you feel about him/her through touch. If this leads to lovemaking, then go for it. Just don’t offer a sensual massage with that as your sole purpose.

#2 Get naked

Since this is a private and loving sensual massage both of you should become fully naked. This is another good reason to adjust the room temperature. You may choose to blindfold your partner. When one of the senses is taken out of the equation the other senses are heightened. This can enhance the massage. Yet, you may also choose to use body parts other than your hands to massage your lover. If you do that, it can be quite visually stimulating to allow your lover to watch you oil the part of your body you are going to use on him/her.

#3 Start with the back

The normal order of giving a massage starts with your partner lying face down and you begin rubbing the back. Only uncover that area so as to keep your lover warm. If you are massaging the back, then fold the top sheet to his/her waist. Typically, you will move from the back, to the legs and then the feet. Oh, don’t forget the buttocks. But, remember not to get carried away. This isn’t about copping a feel.

 Remember to respect your lover and give him/her the pleasure he/she desires. Have your partner turn over and then work more on the legs and feet. Then move to the arms, hands, neck, and shoulders. **Throughout the entire massage always maintain contact with your lover’s body even when moving the sheet and moving to a different part of his/her body. And, warm the oil in your hands before placing it upon your sweetie’s vulnerable skin. As you begin your massage be sure to start out with a light gentle touch. You may choose to increase pressure as you proceed.

#4 Be present and fully aware

It is very important to pay attention to your sweetie. Watch his/her body to see how it responds to your touch. Are those goose bumps from being cold or from the way you are touching that beautiful body? Listen to his/her responses. Are those moans of relaxation or as you continue do they become moans of sexual pleasure? Or, on the other hand is your partner trying to let you know he/she is uncomfortable? This experience is far more enjoyable for you both if you stay in the moment – stay present. If what you have to do at work pops into your head, recognize it, appreciate it, then take a deep breath and let it go as you exhale. Refocus on the body beneath your hands.

#5 Use your body 

Using your forearm, your feet, your lips, your tongue, your face, your chest, your buttocks, or your genitalia can add a whole new level to the massage. As mentioned above, allowing your lover to watch you oil some of these areas on your body prior to rubbing them all over him/her can be very erotic. Don’t leave out the other tools your body possesses.

#6 Overlooked places 

You can give him/her a scalp massage. This is beautiful tension reliever. Gently rubbing and lightly scratching stimulates the scalp and increases the energy flow. This truly can bring your partner to a state of blissful relaxation. Your lover may also enjoy you rubbing your thumbs gently inside the ear. For many people, the inside as well as the outside of the ear offers very erotic sensations. If your partner is open to a chest massage, gently move yours hands in circling motions over the breasts. Move your hands in opposite directions moving away from each other. After seven or eight circles reverse directions.

 Also, don’t forget the inside of the upper arm, the inner wrist, the backs of the knees, and the palms. Oh wait, there is more. How about his/her face, the collarbone (can be quite sensitive as the skin is so thin there), and around the anklebones – inside and outside of ankle. If your lover is comfortable with it, you can massage the gluteal cleft (the butt crack). Start at the top with small clockwise circles. Then begin to stroke up and down the cleft. Also, consider massaging around the outside of the anus without penetration.

#7 Moving to erotic massage  

The gluteal cleft leads us to taking this sensual massage to the next level. Massaging your partner’s genitals may seem obvious, but again do this with your focus being on honoring his/her body and communicating through touch how you feel about it. Massaging the g-spot or the prostate can be a climatic end to the massage your offer your lover.

These quick tips can get your started on your adventurous journey of sharing a sensual massage with your lover. We hope you take them to heart and enjoy them.

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis.

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5 Reasons Why Woman Cheat

When one thinks of a cheating spouse, usually it's of a man. But women cheat, too. In fact, according to the National Science Foundation, more married women are cheating on their husbands than ever before. Why? GetLusty advocate Dawn Michael MFT of the Happy Spouse is here to answer just this. Do you fear your spouse is cheating? Do e-mail us at reply@getlusty.com. We're here to keep couples together and promote amazing sexual relationships.

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Women reasons are slightly different then mens' 

The reasons a woman cheats may be different than why a man cheats. In this article we will look at the psychology reasons of why a women cheats. There are more women cheating in a marriage than statically calculated and that is because woman cheat differently than men and the men that woman are cheating with are less likely to blow their cover.

If the woman can keep her emotions in check with the man that she is having the affair with, he will most likely not pressure her to get out of the marriage or cause a problem in the marriage for her. Women are capable of this type of relationship. However, typically when this happens she will also begin to emotionally leave the marriage as well. A man can have an affair for the sole purpose of having sex. Whereas, only some woman might be able to do that.

Normally, a woman is more at risk for getting emotionally involved. Men are much better at placing their feeling aside and getting on with their day, whereas a woman will allow her emotions to take over and the relationship she is having outside the marriage can eventually consume her thoughts.

When a man does finally take notice that his wife has become distant and aloof and then suggests marriage counseling nine times out of ten it will be too late to save the marriage. When a woman cheats in a marriage it is typically much more devastating on the marriage than when a man cheats because of the emotional attachment.

Without ado, below are the five main reasons why a woman will cheat in a marriage.

#1 She's lonely

This woman may be married to a man who travels frequently for work, or in the military. He may also be just a man that is not emotionally available and unemotional in the marriage. The wife feels all alone and will look for someone who she can connect with on an emotional level. Eventually this may lead to a sexual affair, but even without sex, emotional cheating has already begun.

#2 She's not attracted to her spouse

This is a woman who probably has an active sex drive and needs to find enjoyment outside of the marriage. She could have possibly married her husband for money and not love. She has gotten bored with the relationship and is looking to have a little fun.

This type of cheating is most likely less emotionally involved and more about the excitement and sexual pleasure. This type of cheating is not one that is going to end a marriage and she may have numerous affairs through the life of the marriage. This type of woman is crafty and capable of emotionally shutting down when she needs to. Unless caught, she'll continue to casually cheat.

#3 Her husband puts her down

This is a woman who has been beaten down by her husband. He may be controlling over her or overly critical of her. If this woman worked outside the house, she may look for a man that can save her. She could actually be prey to another controlling man if she does not deal with her insecurity issues and problems at home. This is a very bad situation when children are involved.

#3 She wants/needs to escape

This may be a woman who is overwhelmed with her life. Too much responsibility, kids, home, husband, work, no time to herself and always giving and not getting in return. She may look to another man for distraction from her life, a way to slip out of reality and into a fantasy world. This could involve chatting on the computer, intimate phone calls and last minute getaway's. This can be both an emotional and sexual type of affair. The warning signs of this happening are usually quite evident if a man pays attention.

#5 She's living in a sexless marriage

Women have a sex drive too! The fact is women are perceived as 'not enjoying sex' or 'not wanting to have sex' with their husbands. This is not based on factual information for husbands; maybe the wife has rejected the husband one or more times and the husband shuts down. Either way, there are just as many women as men that enjoy a healthy sex life. When a husband is no longer wanting to have sex with his wife or sexually pleasing her, she may go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship. She may still be in love with her husband but is tired of living in a sexless marriage.


This is a post by Dawn Michael MFT. Dawn is an International Certified Clinical Sexologist and Marriage Counselor specializing in helping individuals and couples to have a healthy sex life, through communication, solution based counseling and home assignments. Visit her website The Happy Spouse for more information or to get in touch with Dawn. Find her on Twitter @SexCounseling.

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7 Tips to Creating a Better Love Letter

So you might be thinking, "Why do I need to know how or why to write a love letter?!" True. But if you don't need to know--how about the last time you actually wrote a love letter to your lover? It's a timeless tradition, and we think it needs a little attention. Why? Communication is key to a healthy marriage and relationship.

We have written extensively on communication before sex, integrating communication into sex, and communication post-sex. But what about the communication that doesn't need words. Do we even remember how to say "I love you" without our cell phones anymore? Lee Harrington, the man who inspired our non-violent communication series, is here with 7 ways to say "I love you" without using your cell phone to text it. Lee is a wonderful writer, and we love his perspective! Instead, Lee is bringing back the retro and seriously romantic, love letter as his go-to form of communication.

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In our culture of text messages and fast food, we have forgotten much of the art of the love note. Rather than a card picked up at the grocery store to be given only on special occasions, love notes can take a thousand forms. Consider doing one of the following to remind your sweetie how special they are to you:


#1 Make it your own

With handmade paper or nice paper from art stores, there are plenty of ways to make it your own card. It gives it your signature creativity!

#2 Hand write the note

Write your note by hand (unless your handwriting is abysmal, but then still sign it by hand). It's good practice to write by hand occasionally, and it's also fun to read hand writing!

#3 Hide it!

Hide the note in their briefcase or purse to find later by surprise. What a wonderful surprise to find a love note.

#4 Scent 

Put a tiny dot of your cologne, perfume, or other favorite scent (bacon, your body, fresh herbs) on the paper, but don't overwhelm them with too much the scent.

#5 Color 

Use a pen that is their favorite color. What better way to figure out their favorite color, if you aren't doubly sure. When they open it up and find their favorite color; they'll think it's even more adorable.

#6 Seal the note

Seal the note with wax or a sticker (by dripping candle wax--then you can even find a stamp at Michael's or similar arts & crafts store). Alternatively, seal the envelope then write over the seam/seal. Kiss the note with your lipstick as an additional cute gesture.

#7 Stock up on postcards

Keep a store of postcards and drop one in the mail every once in a while… even if they live with you.

Love notes can be a single word of power waiting on a pillow or a twenty page letter given to your partner before they head out on the road (for extra oomph, consider handing them 7 envelopes, with a date on each one for the 7 days they will be gone). The important part is the power of the paper in our hand, not the hard plastic cell phones we have become to accustomed to. Step back and breathe in the parchment, and know that they care, as much as you do about them.

Go forth, play with your passions, and enjoy!

Lee Harrington is an internationally known spiritual and erotic educator, gender explorer, eclectic artist and award-winning author and editor on human sexuality and sacred experience. He’s been traveling the globe (from Seattle to Sydney, Berlin to Boston), teaching and talking about sexuality, psychology, faith, desire and more. He has been an academic and an adult film performer,  world class sexual adventurer, outspoken philosopher, kink/bondage expert and has been blogging about sex and spirituality since 1998.

His books include “Playing Well With Others: Your Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Negotiating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” (with Mollena Williams), “Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond,” “Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé,” the “Toybag Guide to Age Play,” and “Shed Skins: Journeying in Self-Portraits.” Check out the trouble Lee has been getting into, as well as his regular podcast, tour schedule, free essays, videos and more over at www.PassionAndSoul.com. Follow him on Twitter @PassionAndSoul.

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Are We All Sexually Dysfunctional?

What? We're all f*cked up sexually? That makes sense though, doesn't it? No one is perfect (well--unless you're talking about me. I'm totally perfect). Everyone makes mistakes, so why wouldn't we all be a little sexually dysfunctional? One of our favorites, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus of Dr. Jenn's Den, is back talking about sexual concerns. We must say that almost all of us at the GetLusty office currently has or has had a sexual concern. So from our perspective--we think yes, we're all sexually dysfunctional. Well, we'll let you develop your own ideas about this topic. Read on!

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At the recent sexuality conference I attended, my friend and colleague Gina Odgen spoke about her “ISIS Wheel.” ISIS is an acronym for “integrating sexuality and spirituality.”

Gina is a sex therapist, author, and shaman, and her ISIS Wheel is a like a medicine wheel and a compass, applied to sexual experience and satisfaction. To the right is an image of the ISIS Wheel.

Visualize yourself standing before a life-sized ISIS Wheel. Now reflect on your sexual experiences and sexuality and consider how you like to enter these experiences.

Is it through the “body” realm and pleasurable sensations, such as heightened body awareness, the sounds of your partner’s arousal, or orgasm? Think back to the first time you had sex. Perhaps there was a “mind” component motivating you, such as curiosity or expectation. The “heart” component, about emotions, is strong for many and varies from the extremes of love and trust, to guilt and fear. For some, the “spirit” path is most motivating, when they exchange sexual energies and deep connection with their partner.

The foundation for Gina’s ISIS Wheel is sexual health, not sexual dysfunction. This means that despite any concerns people have in their sex lives, it is all just part of their sexual story that can be mapped and explored through the wheel. Framing sexual concerns as stories instead of dysfunction gives individuals and couples more freedom to explore the complexity of their sexual experiences, without judgment. Clearly, sex through the lens of the ISIS framework is about a lot more than physical release or performance.

The “ISIS connection” is when all four aspects of the wheel meet in the center. However, any experience is just as valid as the next. When we view a sexual “problem” as part of a sexual story and journey, it makes it a lot easier to address it head on, in all its layers of complexity. I suggest taking this wheel for a spin to learn more about you and your partner!

Help end boring sex and enter to win a LELO Tiani 2 courtesy of SheVibe. What do you need to do? Just 'Like' GetLusty on Facebook by December 1st! Have you followed us on Twitter yet? We're @getlusty there. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, too!

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page. 

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