Consent: What It Isn't

Ending boring sex is important to the GetLusty crew. More specifically, ending boring sex through tantalizing, exciting and adventurous consensual sex is important. We have written about what consent is, but do we know what it isn't? Our own Rachel Colias reports.

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Consent is a simple enough concept, but the necessity of it is what generally becomes vague in the portrayal of sex as a whole. So let’s ask the question most don’t: what isn’t consent?

• If a person does not have the option to say “no,” it’s not consensual
• If a person is being coerced, it’s not consensual
• If a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it’s not consensual
• If a person is unconscious, it’s not consensual
• If either of the parties is under the legal age of consent, it’s not consensual
• Silence is not consent
• If a person does not reciprocate, it’s not consensual
• If a person fights back without establishing beforehand the fighting as part of the sex act, it’s not consensual
• ANY version of the word “no” — not now, wait..., maybe later, it hurts, I’m not in the mood, fuck off, don’t touch me, I’m not sure, let’s just go to sleep, but..., stop, leave me alone, don’t — does not count as consent.

Any version of the word “no” means no and if a person continues the sexual interaction after a “no” has been established in some way, the action is now assault.

Now that we understand that there are many ways to say “Yes” and “No." If you read my previous article, Consent 101, we all need to understand why the difference is important.

Why do we need consent? The most obvious reason is because sexual interactions that include consenting participants is the only legal type of sexual interaction that exists. Beyond obvious issues of legality arise the issues of personal, mental and physical health.

Being the recipient of non-consensual interactions is traumatic and should never be an experience someone has to endure. Forcing or coercing someone into a non-consensual interaction is entirely unacceptable and causes serious harm to the non-consenting participant. What a lot of people don’t or choose to not realize is that a lack of consent results in assault and rape.

This misunderstanding due to a lack of communication is bad for both or all parties. As mentioned above, victims of sexual assault or rape are especially hurt by the non-consensual act and are in no way at fault for what has happened to them. It’s hard also for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or sexual partner to hear that what they’ve done constitutes assault or rape. A sexual partner that, for example, slaps their partner in the face during sex thinking it will be hot, but doesn’t ask permission beforehand, might not intentionally be trying to hurt the other person involved. However that lack of communication and consent is what hurts people and breaks trust.

So please remember, consent is a necessary aspect of any sexual interaction; you must recognize and respect everyone’s right to say “no” and their sexual boundaries.

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! E-mail her directly at editorial@getlusty.com.

You have read this article abuse / better sex / Communication / consent / consent 101 / for couples / no means no / rachel colias / sex with the title abuse. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/10/consent-what-it-isn.html. Thanks!

Should I Forgive My Rapist?

Rape is an issue that anywhere between 1 and 3 and 1 in 5 deal with in their lifetime. We care deeply about those who are recovering from sexual trauma, including sexual assault, abuse and violence. This is a guest post from our Chief Lust Officer, Erica Grigg.

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I'm an avid Facebook user. In fact, we just got a new cover on our Facebook page.

You can also subscribe to my Facebook updates here. If you 'Like' our Facebook page or subscribe to our eNewsletter by October 15th, you may win the world's most sold oral sex toy the Sqweel 2. Because it's Orgasm October.

So for the meat of this article. Sexual trauma and forgiveness. How important is it and why is it important, anyway? This status update really triggered me to think about my journey to forgiveness from a different perspective. I've watched movies about forgiveness, talked to a therapist extensively on the subject and read a wide variety of books dealing with rape and PTSD. Did you know that PTSD and rape survivors have very similar flashbacks? Yeah.

So here's the status update: 

Can I forgive?

I've never forgiven my rapist completely. However this doesn't mean I can't live my life and continue to have amazing sex or an amazing love life. I argue that for the sake of the survivor, forgiveness is actually essential. Now, whether you're talking about forgiveness for the rapist or yourself is another question.

The bigger question: can I forgive me?

There are so many reasons I won't be able to forgive my rapist. More importantly, can I forgive myself for being foolish enough to put myself in said dating situation where I got raped?

Forgiveness to love 

I'm not saying you should immediately fall in love or have sex after talking about your trauma with your therapist. But you shouldn't continue to feel ashamed about being violated. And for me at least, foregiveness was one way to feeling more sexually and emotionally stronger.

For my sake and for the sake of those I love, I deserve beauty. You deserve love and beauty, too. We've received several private comments noting some of our readers are dealing with sexual trauma (like assault, abuse). We'll talk more soon about recovering from sexual trauma, assault and abuse.

For now, consider positivity, optimism and tread very lightly on your sexuality. It's totally normal to not feel very sexual, and it's highly recommended to visit a counselor. At GetLusty for Couples, we hope to write extensively on support in recovering from sexual trauma.

Hopefully then we can start to forgive. Others and/or ourselves.


This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. If you don't see Erica riding around downtown Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook and Google+. Want to connect about business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com.

You have read this article abuse / advice / for couples / for men / for women / health / marriage / rape / sex / trauma with the title abuse. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/10/should-i-forgive-my-rapist.html. Thanks!