Your Sexuality is a Gift: Are You Giving It?

Ladies, we want your sexuality! Sexuality makes the world go 'round. Well, it does at GetLusty for Couples anyway. We're not just talking about your bodies here – we want you to share your passion and energy with us. We want you to realize what a gift your sexuality really is, and not just for your partner, but also for the world. The level of passion you have in your libido reflects directly to the level of passion in your heart and mind, affecting every aspect of your life. Joanna Kennedy, owner and director of Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure, explains how your sexuality truly is a gift for the world.

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I've truly come to realize the essential role our sexuality plays in enjoying a happy, healthy, vibrant, love-filled life. We so much more to give when our lives are rich, full, and overflowing with pleasure and joy. Our happiness and a skip in our step make others smile. It reminds them of the joy inside themselves.

You've experienced, or a least seen someone else with, that warm, alive, playful glow that has, "I've just had amazing sex," written all over it. We feel so alive in those moments. They can be the moments of our greatest creativity, our greatest generosity, our greatest connections.

Yet life has us busy. Deadlines keep us running. Exhaustion wins over lovemaking.

Do the world a favor this new year and connect with your sexuality. If you have a partner, make love with the openness of your heart. Find each other again, even if it's been years. If you're single, find something that turns you on – that awakens and raises the sexual energy in you – a book, movie, a dance, an activity, a conversation, a fantasy. Find something that stirs your juices and just enjoy the pleasure it brings to your body, the smile it can't help but put on your face.

Best-selling author and TV host, Dr. Oz says, "As a nation, we are in a sexual famine. Simply put, not enough people are getting down on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis." He reminds us, “We’re not having sex anymore, and we’re not doing things that bring us vitality and joy of life."

It's been documented that we live longer, healthier, happier lives when we're enjoying quality sex. I say it's time for us to connect with this powerful life force within ourselves and use if for good. I began a recent talk saying, "What makes you turned-on, alive and passionate in the bedroom is what will make your business turned-on, alive and passionate - making a big contribution to the world."

The more than 40 people in the room got a taste of what it's like to be on fire with desire – turned on by life and there wasn't a touch, kiss, or a physically intimate moment anywhere to be seen. We were simply beginning to understand that we don't have to turn off our fire, juice or passion when we leave the bedroom.

What would the world be like if we had more time and space, if we slowed our drive to just enjoy the simple pleasures again – a good hug, a warm drink, a smile, a conversation, a romp in the hay on Saturday afternoon? Can you find the time?

For years women have wanted men to connect their heart with their sexuality. Today, I believe it's time for women to reconnect their hearts with their sexuality. It's still true that for most women to be turned-on and fully open sexually, they need to be turned-on in their heart (Men, that's a hint). And, women, it seems that many of us as times, sometimes for a few days and sometimes for years or decades, settle just for love. When we do that we're missing out – missing out on a fundamental source of pleasure, joy, connection and vital energy. Women, it's time to allow this powerful source of energy, love and joy support us again. It's not something we can live without. Well, we can, but it depends on how you define living.

If something is blocking you – a physical pain or challenge, insecurity, shame, confusion, lack of knowledge – I don't care what it is; I invite and implore you to clear the roadblocks and reawaken the vibrant, creative and passionate you. Gift yourself with the abundant pleasure, the spiritual awakening power, the vitality that comes with reawakening and expressing your sexuality.

I invite you to offer that gift to your beloved – your alive awakened sexuality, and if it doesn't feel so alive anymore, then simply give him or her the gift of your willingness to re-explore it.

I invite you to give the world the gift of your passion, your excitement, your turn-on, your joy. The world needs more of our pleasure right now. We've repressed too much pain and loss. I wonder what would change if we found the time, space and energy to truly re-connect with each other – our deepest hearts with our families, our bodies and hearts with our beloveds, our passion and commitment to happiness, joy and healing with our neighbors, friends and the world.

I wonder what would happen...

Cross posted with permission from Happiness, Love and Pleasure.

Joanna founded the Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure where she offers private sessions, products, and workshops that help liberate men and women to be their natural selves, have passionate sex lives, and create deeply loving relationships. She dedicates her life to helping men and women take off their masks, be themselves, and remember the power and potential of love. Personally, she practices living every moment of life as an expression of love, joy, peace, and passion, while keeping a constant focus on authenticity and intimacy. Follow her blog at Happiness, Love and Pleasure. Follow her on Facebook here.

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What's the Difference Between Sexuality and Sensuality?

It takes more than crazy sex positions and toys to enhance a couple's love life. Sexuality should be explored on a deeper level. Couples should be sensual with each other, but what do those things mean? What is Sensuality? Isn't it the same as Sexuality? Drs Janelle and Rob Alex define these ideas and explain how sensuality can enhance your life, in and out of the bedroom.

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The Differences

In an earlier post, 5 Ways to Make Sex Sensual, we said, “when you hear the word “sensual” you are most likely going to relate it to something sexual.” This may not ring true in all cultures, but the majority of Americans do create a direct correlation between sensuality and sexuality in their minds. In fact, thousands and thousands of people use those two words interchangeably. But, do they really mean the same thing? Is one truly synonymous with the other? We don’t believe so. On the other hand, sensual experiences can most certainly lead to sexual experiences.

Sexuality

The actual definition of “sexuality” describes it as one’s capacity to have sexual feelings as well as what one’s sexual preferences are. These are physical, animalistic traits. They can still feel good, but just performing the act of sex does not mean that you will explore the senses. Simply engaging in sexual activity does not mean that you will gratify your sensual self. Sexuality can be solely about lust and the desire to jump your lover, rip off his or her clothes and get busy.

Sensuality

Sensuality is slower and arouses, as well as gratifies, all of the senses. Moving sensually could mean a slow sway of your hips or running your hand slowly up your lover’s chest. The sway of your hips will increase the flow of energy moving throughout your body and you can take in the feeling of this while those sexy and sensual movements visually stimulate your partner. As you can see, sexy and sensual can start to integrate at this point.

Leaving out sensuality and only focusing on the sexual you can miss out on the potential for extraordinary sensations and an out-of-this world climax. Becoming fully aware of the sensations within your body during lovemaking is what makes it sensual. In a sense, it is animalistic. After all, most animals can hear, smell, taste, see, and feel. But, moving it beyond just a quick sexual encounter gives both you and your lover the opportunity to savor the feel of one another’s touch, relish in each other’s natural smell (or soap or cologne), soak up the glorious view of your bodies, taste each other, and revel in the whispered words, moans, or sexy screams that escape you.

The Journey

Awakening your senses and then exploring how to gratify them can take you on a phenomenal journey. In fact, according to a teacher from the African Dagara Tribe, that is what “lovemaking” would translate as – going on a journey together. When the two of you bring more sensuality into your lives you will come to understand that it is not just about sex, and you can share sensual moments with your partner anywhere, anytime.

That shared journey can start long before the bedroom and last extensively afterwards. You can reach over and draw little circles with your finger on your lover’s wrist at dinner. You can slip your hand underneath their shirt and lightly rub your partner's back while walking down the street. You can wear clothing that you know will arouse your partner's senses. These are just a couple of examples. Adding this aspect and expanding the sensuality in your relationship will open the two of you to a deeper connection. Not only is it likely that your souls will blend together more freely, but it is also true that you will open more easily to a reconnection with your own soul.

Transcend

This leads to a greater possibility of transcendent sex, which means you gain access to the Divine through lovemaking (and that has nothing to do with being religious or not). Your creative energy will flow more freely, you will gain a new level of confidence in daily life, and yep, you will actually have a natural glow.

So, awaken to the powerful difference between “sexuality” and “sensuality”. To recap, sexuality is focused on the sexual act while sensuality focuses on pleasuring and gratifying all of your senses while connecting to your souls. Coming to this realization can not only enhance your lovemaking, but help it transcend basic, animalistic gratification.



Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis. Follow them on Twitter @sexychallenges and Facebook.

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Erotic Orgasm Denial 101

Erotic orgasm denial is supremely hot. Though we've just been introduced to this idea, it already sounds fabulous. And it's the weekend, what better time to try new things sexually? On top of that, we just love articles by Portia Blush. Without adieu, Portia Blush, our master of female domination, is here to talk about erotic orgasm denial.

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You've heard that old adage, "Tis' better to give than to receive", right? Orgasm has long been the goalpost that most of us look forward to reaching during our sexual escapades, so much so that sometimes we lose sight of enjoying ourselves in the pleasure of the moment. When sex is goal-oriented and we become fixated in whether or not we're going to climax, it can actually lessen our pleasure, rather than heighten it. This anxiety over whether or not one is going to climax or not, or how long it's taking to reach that point, can actually inhibit the very thing we crave. But what if we took the goal away? What if suddenly there was no finish line?

What is erotic denial?

Erotic orgasm denial, or sometimes called "tease and denial" play, takes away the goal of orgasm, and helps your partner not only focus on the pleasure they are giving, but also heightens the pleasure they are receiving.

Orgasm Denial is the practice of withholding and/or denying orgasm during sexual activity in order to maintain a heightened state of arousal for an extended time. Within a D/s (dominant/submissive) bond in a BD/SM relationship, it is also used as a method of, or reinforcement of, control. For it to be most effective, a degree of familiarity with your partner is paramount; knowing the subtle (and not so subtle) cues of their stages of arousal will be needed for you to learn where their orgasmic edge lies. Intimate knowledge of your partner's sexual response will help you to know how, where, and when to vary the intensity and timing of the stimulation accurately. The amount of time orgasm is withheld varies upon many factors, just as the reasons for doing so, and can range from hours, to days, or even months! Although the word "denial" may sound controlling, please know that this type of play is consensual, and not forced. Both partners are willing and hopefully eager, participants.

The numerous degrees of orgasm denial

Orgasm Denial can include several different degrees of play. "Edging", or "tease and denial", is when you stimulate your partner almost to the point of orgasm, but then reduce or stop the stimulation just prior to climax, only to then work up to that point again, and repeat the process. This style can be done in short or long-term scenarios, as decided by between lovers. Enforced Chastity is another form of orgasm denial in which orgasm is not only controlled and denied, but other sexual stimulation as well. It can also include masturbation, in addition to partner sexual exchange. This can be done through just verbal command and acceptance, or through more extreme measures by using chastity enforcement devices.

The joys of Orgasm Denial can be experienced within the context of a D/s relationship in BD/SM play, or it can be shared between two partners who just want to enjoy experimenting with new forms of erotic sexual play. No matter what your relationship style the benefits are the same; sustained, intensified pleasure. Also, orgasm control can be shared between couples of varying gender configurations. Please know that I am writing this article from the viewpoint of a woman with primarily male lovers, so I am referring mostly here to male orgasm denial, though the characteristics of female orgasm denial are extensively similar.

Top 5 Reasons to Try Orgasm Denial

#1 Heightened Sensations

While one might think of denying orgasm as incredibly limiting to pleasure, it's actually the opposite. By withholding orgasm you force your partner to remain in a place of sustained arousal, and that arousal continues to build upon itself, instead of decreasing through the release of orgasm. When you don't allow your partner to fall over that climactic edge, the erotic energy magnifies, making even the subtlest of stimulation that much more intense than before. Your partner will experience your touch at a whole new level. Suddenly the person being denied the orgasm will rediscover kisses, touches, and other pleasures that had become routine.

#2 The Big "O" Just Got Bigger

When you deny your partner an orgasm by continually bringing them to the precipice of their edge, but never allowing them to fall over, you increase their ability to sustain that state of arousal for longer and longer periods of time. This allows the person being denied the orgasm to experience that heightened pleasure for longer periods of time, but also now is able to focus intently on the pleasure in the moment, without the pressure of progressing towards climax. After remaining in this tide of the ebb and flow of this state of intensified arousal, when they are allowed to come, the orgasmic pleasures experienced will be intensified above and beyond those felt during a typical sexual experience. Some people say that even their most pleasurable peaks were no comparison to those reached after being denied orgasm for periods of time.

#3 Increased Sexual Frequency 

Heightened sensations mean heightened enjoyment, and the longer you remain in that heightened state of arousal, the more often you want to be experiencing sexual sensations. The person is stimulated that much easier, as they are almost in a constant state of arousal because they have yet to complete the arousal cycle through orgasmic release. It can become almost a constant state of desire. And what does this mean for you? More sex! They will want to have sex more often, and you get the reap the benefits!

#4 Rediscovery of Your Partner  

Ladies, restricting his orgasms, and exercising control over whether or not he has one, and when , will have him focussed on pleasing you! When his orgasm is restricted, your lover will become more tuned in to you, and will learn how to put your pleasures before their own. It will help him relearn the exquisite pleasure of a lingering deep kiss, or a soft caress, as they no longer are markers along the way to orgasm, but now the main course to savor. Orgasm Denial teaches your partner how to derive pleasure from pleasing his partner; you!

#5 The Joy of Surrender  

Power Exchange can be incredibly erotic in itself, so what better way to enhance your intimacy then by surrendering the control of your most intimate, personal acts; orgasms. It can be highly arousing to give yourself over to another this way, and allow yourself to experience how freeing giving up control can be. When we are expected to be in charge of so much in life, surrendering the responsibility to your lover to take care of you can be not only a relief, but intoxicatingly powerful.

It's always exciting to try new experiences together, especially in the bedroom. Orgasm Denial may be that next new thing on your horizon to bring you closer together! While I understand it may not be everyone's erotic cup of tea, I encourage you to have an open mind, and consider that Orgasm Denial play may have something to offer you and your lover. As always, play safe, and most of all, have fun my fellow sexplorers!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

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Faking Orgasms? Why & Why Not

Faking an orgasm. Is it ever OK, beneficial and positive? On an editorial note, I'm biased. I believe you should never fake an orgasm. But rather than explain in my own opinion, we'll let Bethany Kibblesmith explain the pro's and con's of faking an orgasm.

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If you’ve ever picked up a “woman’s magazine”, talked sex with a close friend, or seen an episode of “Sex and the City” or "When Harry Met Sally", faking orgasms has likely come up. Magazines often poll their readers often about this, and overwhelmingly readers respond yes. Yes, they’ve faked an orgasm before. In fact, check out the classic scene below detailing Meg Ryan's take on faking orgasms. Meg notes it's the partner who either confirms or denies the fake orgasm.

Rather than talking about a partner's view, we're talking about the person who's faking the orgasm. Now, I have a really strong bias on this issue. I won’t hide how my opinion lies on this one, but I want to fairly present the pros and cons of faking your climax, because this is a complicated issue. There are two sides to the question of faking it, and both should be equally explored.

For the most part, people fall on the side against faking it, but there are pros to stretching your sexual truth. Fake orgasms can do wonders psychologically. You can psyche yourself into an O by pretending you’re actually having one. It can also act as positive feedback for your partner, who can often feel inadequate or unattractive if you have reoccurring difficulty climaxing.

Pro's


Likely, sex does feel good, and by vocalizing in response to the pleasurable stimuli. You’re telling your partner that sex is feeling awesome, and that you value his or her efforts.

It says you are truly enjoying your shared sexual activities, even if the big O is less than genuine. Just because the ending was fake doesn’t make the moans, bites or other sexy responses you have during foreplay and intercourse any less genuine. The orgasm is undeniably part of sex, but that doesn’t lessen the delicious other parts of sex. A fake orgasm can also signal a more natural seeming ending to your sex-having.

Faking your orgasm may also seem like the nicer thing to do. Maybe your sex is hampered by a chaotic, stressful aspect of your life, unrelated to your partner’s actions and your reception of them. Maybe faking it until life calms down and climax comes naturally seems like the best way to get through a rough patch in an otherwise smoking hot sex life. It’s also possible you’re just not feeling especially sexual lately, and while sex feels good, climax isn’t in the cards. It’s no one’s fault, and we’ve all likely been there before.

Con's

This is where the downsides come in. By faking your climax, you aren’t facing or alleviating your difficulties in reaching orgasm. By giving your partner false feedback, you’re putting all kinds of roadblocks in your way. Choosing to fake it is like choosing to give your partner sexual silent treatment. It’s keeping a very important piece of information from the only other person involved in the problem you’re having.

Without communicating the difficulties you’re having, you’re depriving your partner of the opportunity to help you. It also robs you of the chance to learn more about each other sexually, what you like and what feels good to do together. Maybe clitoral stimulation, longer foreplay, a different position or series of position would give you the boost you need to reach orgasm. Your partner can’t read your mind, and faking your orgasm will never improve whatever is preventing you from climaxing.

The other half of my bias against faking it is this: dishonesty is dishonesty, no matter how or why you’re being dishonest.

For me, a fake orgasm is like lying to your partner. It’s hard to say something that will disappoint or hurt your partner, but imagine if you continued having climaxing trouble and come clean after weeks or months. I think you can imagine that’s likely a shitty feeling. If you aren’t communicating your feelings, nothing will get better.

We're very excited to have Bethany Kibblesmith as GetLusty's newest writer. She's passionate about keeping it sexy inside and outside the bedroom in her own relationship and in yours.  

Bethany is twenty-two and an English major. When she isn't scrambling to finish homework, she's with her boyfriend, reading, doing yoga or cooking. She enjoys the finer things in life like, secondhand clothes, warm showers, and socks without holes. She writes plays when she isn't writing for school or GetLusty. And if you meet her she will, without question, make a sex joke at some point. Email her at Bethany@GetLusty.com if you have any questions!

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Female Orgasm: True or False?

Orgasm is the ultimate in sexual enjoyment. Sometimes we think it's the be-all and end-all of sex. While it's enjoyable, it's not necessary to orgasm every time. At GetLusty, we think sex is about pleasuring yourself and your partner. Orgasm can be an excellent release, so we wanted to share information about it. We'll start with the female orgasm. This is a guest post by Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed. Early to Bed is one of the foremost women-owned sex toy stores in Chicago. Over the next several months, GetLusty will help organize several awesome upcoming events there.

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Wondering whether your lady has had an orgasm? Here are some truths and false statements about the female orgasm.

Vaginas get wet when a woman is turned on. 

TRUE

Except for when that isn’t true. Women can be turned on and not get super wet, women can get wet and not be super turned on. So while the conventional wisdom is that wetness = sexually aroused, that equation is not 100% accurate all the time. Remember that this does not mean that wetness is considered a sign that a woman has had an orgasm.

There is one way to “give” a woman an orgasm. 

FALSE

Every single woman on the planet is different and responds to sexual stimulation in her own way. There is not a guaranteed toy, trick, gel, drink, herb, patch or technique that will work for each woman. It is TRUE that a majority of women like/need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, but the actual type of stimulation varies and is not necessary for every woman.

Female ejaculation is real.

TRUE

Yes, female ejaculation is real and women can ejaculate when having an orgasm, but LOTS of women have fantastic orgasms without ejaculating.



There is one way to know a woman has had an orgasm. 

FALSE

The only real way to know is to have you partner tell you that she has. Some women make loud guttural noises, and some are quiet and silent when they climax. Some squeak. Some laugh. Some cry. Some yell. Some just smile.

And yes, some even lie about it. You will never truly know if your partner has had an orgasm unless she tells you. And she might not do that unless you ask her.

I suggest not jumping in right after you come and saying, “Did you come huh, huh? Did you have an orgasm?” Instead, maybe ask her gently something to the effect, “Was that nice? Do you want a little more attention anywhere? Can I keep pleasuring you?” Alternatively, ask her when you are not in the sack, “Soooooo.. I was just wondering cause I can’t really tell from your body language, but do you have orgasms when you have sex/fuck/make love?”

I know that can be an awkward question, but if you really can’t tell if she is having an orgasm, it's actually a really nice thing to do. And if her answer is, “No. I don’t," then a great follow up question is, “Oh, sorry... What can I do to help that happen for you?”.

Conclusion

Talk to your partner about sex! Be a generous lover and communicate your desires, questions and needs. And women - tell your partners what is going with your body. It is hot and people like knowing you are feeling good when they touch/stroke/tickle/fondle you right there.

Searah Deysach is owner of Early to Bed. She's been committed to informing Chicago about sex and love for over a decade. She's written for and been featured in numerous publications on the topic from Chicago Now to WBEZ, MsBehaved, Chicago Reader and beyond. She also lectures frequently on topics related to sex and sexuality. Follow Searah on Twitter as @EarlyToBed, Subscribe on Facebook and follow her blogs on the Early to Bed Blog.

Comments or questions? Please include them below or get in touch with us at reply@getlusty.com.

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How to Get What You Want Sexually

GetLusty loves to speak our minds, especially with our lovers and partners. Feeling confident enough to tell your lover just what you want in and out of the bedroom can be life changing. Seriously. Expressing yourself can really improve your love life. Communicating clearly about your sexual desires also brings you and your partner closer intimately. Portia Blush is here with a personal take on how to ask for what you want (in this case anal) in bed.

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Have you ever had a lover say, “Tell me what you want,” while you were in bed? You could also be wherever you might find yourself naked and sexually entangled together. Alternatively, have you, yourself, asked this very question of a lover?

Here I am, lucky enough to learn the in's and out's of my sexuality fairly thoroughly. I know what makes me tick, tock, and even KABOOM. As I explored along the way, I learned how to be comfortable enough with myself and my lover/s to ask for what I wanted. It’s not an easy task to say the least, and it took time. It takes a real level of vulnerability that a lot of people just aren’t able to access. However, look at the other choice! Amassing a collection of unsatisfying experiences? No, no. But, hey, we’ve all had those. So after awhile, you just have to take that bull of sex by its horns.

Get vulnerable

Knowledge is power, right? But what if you ask for something that maybe the other person isn’t expecting to hear? What if you ask for something that they’re just not into?

I have been lovers with a friend on and off for the better part of 17 years. He’s known me since before I even knew what an orgasm with a partner was. The key words there being “with a partner”.

We were together when my “sexploration” was all new and shiny, and for the most part, uncharted territory. It's fairly safe to say that he came into my life just as I was about to embark on figuring out just who I was as a sexual creature. In fact, I had my very first threesome and my very first experience with a female lover, with him. Ah, the memories.

Now, our sexual escapades together have been fairly low key as far as I’m concerned. Stop laughing. The threesome I mentioned is mild compared to the meat of the journey. Really, in truth, we’ve been fairly standard fare lovers with each other from that time out, in light of where I explored without him. Recently, he asked me “Tell me what you want. Tell me what to do.” And then it happened; that awkward moment when I wished, in a moment of self-consciousness, that I could take my answer back.

I went out on a limb

“Do you like anal?”, I queried. Silence. "With the right person, and in the right moment," he answered. We have not spoken of it since. And I knew the answer, which really is a “No”, before I even asked him. I was caught in this moment that sounded like this in my head, “Oh, uh yeah, me either, just kidding.” I knew that, because in all 17+ years of being lovers with him, he’s never “made a move”, nor implied in conversation, that he would like to add that to our sexual menu. I, being the explorer, went out on a limb.

So, there is this stereotype that all men are just longing for the “so taboo” anal sex experience. As the stereotype goes, men are always finding their female partners to be completely reluctant.

If not totally against the idea of anything, even remotely, nudging the puckered pink door of nether-regions. And here I am, the apparent female sexual anomaly. I love anal sex, now feeling more than mildly embarrassed for feeling that way.

I got embarrassed

OK, I get it. Even I am picky about the circumstances of playing anally, but really, suddenly I was having this total feeling of school-girl embarrassment come over me, that I had not experienced in a long time. And it’s not like we were new lovers, we had a rich sexual relationship. The question here being more, “Why am I now embarrassed?”, more so than, “Why doesn’t he want to?”. Because honestly, we all have those things that trip our triggers. While that might be high on my list, it doesn’t mean it will be even be a blip on his radar.

Prepare for surprise, but do it anyway

Stereotypes may have some truth, but are not an across the board rule book, and that goes both ways. There are men that love anal, men that don’t, women that love anal, and women that will strangle the shit out of you if you even dare think about trying it. I am one of those rare exceptions, and I love it! So, my intrepid sexplorers, remember this; “Tell me what you want”, is as difficult a question to answer, as it is to ask. Have some respect for the vulnerability that it takes to answer, just as you would like for having done the asking. And always, prepare to be surprised.

Originally posted at Erogenous by Portia Blush!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

You have read this article Communication / men / Portia Blush / relationships / sex / Sexuality / women with the title Sexuality. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/12/how-to-get-what-you-want-sexually.html. Thanks!

Creating Your Sexiest Bedroom: Do's and Don'ts

An amazing sexual relationship is, of course, created with the five pillars of an amazing relationship. But if your bedroom is keeping your sex life from moving you to the next level, consider moving furniture around. At GetLusty, we care about the feng shui of your bedroom. Why? It represents you! Here are a few tips from sex therapy and relationship counselors Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird tell you about creating the right bedroom atmosphere for great sex!

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Creating a love nest is very important. But sadly, the boudoir is sometimes overlooked and severely neglected. When thinking about your bedroom, is it a place you can relax and unwind? Do you want to spend time in there? Is it romantic? Or is your bedroom a place you want to avoid? Is it cluttered or filled with work?

Think about it. “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” Thus, if you want more energy in the bedroom, then you must put some attention into it! So let’s get started! Here are a few simple Dos and Don’ts to help you create your very own love nest.

Bedroom Don'ts:

Have computers, iPhones, televisions and other electronic work distractions in your bedroom. Studies show that couples with a television in their bedroom have half the amount of sex as couples who don’t. (However, you can have a television in the bedroom only if you use it to watch erotic videos!)

• Work desks, office stuff, etc.
• Exercise equipment
• Baby clothes or other accessories
• Clutter and dirt (just give a small clean daily)
• Bright colors or loud/busy patterns on the walls
• Overly bright lights (unless interrogation is your thing)
• Uncomfortable and noisy bed (was that you going bump in the night?)
• And of course, child-like décor. Meaning, no race car beds!!

Bedroom Do's:

Great bedrooms are sexy and radiate positivity.

• Consider using all your senses (sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste)!
• Use satin sheets or soft bed sheets with high thread counts (over 350) Fur blankets, shag rugs and soft area carpets help to dampen noises
• Use candles (including massage candles – some are even edible) and potpourri
• Romantic wall colors (neutral tones are calming and soothing, warm tones are sexy and cool tones can be spa-like, relaxing and calming)
• Mirrors and romantic photos (black and white pictures, landscapes, etc.)
• Soft/dim lighting
• CD player or iPod with romantic music ready to be played
• A chest or secret decorative box (to store all your fun and sexy toys and aids, of course!)
• A small box or bowl of chocolates on the night stand
• Unique bedroom furniture that is multi-purpose! (check out Liberator for that!)
• And of course, a good comfortable and quiet bed!

We hope this helps you create your love nest and get some positive and sexy energy into your bedroom. Remember, even small changes can yield big results! So get started!

Cross-posted with permission from their blog. 

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

You have read this article advice / better sex / Chuck and Jo / empowerment / fun / marriage / sex advice / Sexuality with the title Sexuality. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/12/creating-your-sexiest-bedroom-do-and-don.html. Thanks!

Why Men Don't Always Want Sex

What!? There are guys who don't want to have sex all the time, everywhere? How is this even possible? Well, it does happen and the little blue pill isn't always the solution. Believe it or not, men are not always in the mood. Sex educator Ken Melvoin-Berg explores this phenomenon in depth and helps turn this unfortunate situation into an opportunity for exploration and fun.

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This is a touchy subject, but I don’t feel like having sex all the time anymore.

Surprise! I’m getting older. Soon I will be 44 years of age. I am into alternate sexual practices; I’m in an open relationship, BDSM, and have multiple sexual partners. I should always be in the mood, right? Wrong!

My sexual appetites, extreme as they may be, don’t run the marathons they used to when I was 18. However my primary partner, Sunny, has not only peaked, she is climbing Mount Everest. This article is written from the perspective of an ethically non-monogamous man who digs chicks. Although I identify as the gender I was born as, don’t ever make the mistake of calling me a cismale, it’s an insult to me (I’m working on a future article explaining why I don’t like that term). No matter the gender or sex of your partner, you may find things you can relate to in this post.

On the physical side of things, erectile dysfunction, hypertension, diabetes, medications, and a host of other medical conditions can be a mood and boner killer for those of us with dicks. This article deals primarily with the psychological reasons men don’t want sex. If you suspect a medical issue, go see your doctor.

So what’s a dirty old man to do when the mood isn’t arriving as easily as it has in the past? The first thing to do is fucking relax. You are not the first man on earth to not feel like doing it all the time.

Identify the Root Problem

Not being in the mood is nobody’s fault. It does not mean I don’t find my partners super sexy and irresistible as hell. Sometimes I’m stressed. Sometimes I have an aging body with a decline in sexual desire. Sometimes it’s Thursday and I don’t feel like fucking.

First and foremost, getting your libido in sync with your partner’s is a psychological thing. Weight gain, self esteem issues, financial pressure, and lack of communication are the most common sources of tension in any couple. Knowing this is half the battle.

For example, if you are living from paycheck to paycheck, and are stressed about it, a good partner may want to have sex with you to relieve the tension. But in a lot of cases, especially with men that are primary providers, this may be the last thing they want to do!

Identifying the principal source of psychological discomfort can be hard, humiliating, and cause more tension in the short term. Digging deep and discovering the true issue is very comforting and can lead to a better, more communicative relationship.

Communicate How You Feel About the Situation

Talking can help. Actually sit down and look for a way to best communicate why you feel the way you do. Sometimes we can figure this out in counseling, other times it may be as simple as discussing the problem with your partner to uncover what is at the base of the issue. This isn’t always easy but it is always helpful. Men, in particular, have a hard time communicating about emotions and accepting blame for emotional discomfort. Acting masculine doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.

Take the communication a step further and bring it into the bedroom. If you’re trying to solve an issue about sexytime, bring it to the place where sexytime happens. For example, if you’d like your partner to add a few new moves to their blowjob repertoire, tell them! If you’ve been wishing they’d throw in more hand motions, a tickle of the balls, or to move a little to the left, let them know. You might find asking specifically for what you want and working together to achieve it works wonders.

Think about what fantasies get you in the mood

Men have fantasies that when acted upon can easily rev up the libido. We can’t always have what we want; however, asking your partner to act out some of the elements of a fantasy is a great way to satisfy your desires! This doesn’t have to be asking your partner to swing from the chandelier or host a wild orgy. Acting on a fantasy can be something as simple as asking for and receiving unreciprocated oral sex. For some, anal sex might be taboo enough to give you wood hard enough to cut diamonds. Yet others may want to incorporate elements of BDSM like choking, spanking or hair pulling. I personally like getting stuck in a Pornado (sitting at my computer watching my favorite porn) and simultaneously having Sunny give me head while she’s wearing a wig. Let your imagination run wild!

Sometimes I’m not in the fucking mood, literally. It’s OK to not be in the mood. For the love you all hold dear, tell your partner why you aren’t in the mood! They might think the reason has something to do with them– they’re not attractive, you don’t love them, they have gained too much weight or a million other things. Reassure your partner, a little communication can go a long way. The self-help book, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" by John Grey, can be a bit of pop psychology bullshit, but it does have some universal truths in it. Men that love men often have an easier time in communication with their partners than heteros (at least in some basic ways), because most men communicate in roughly the same way.

I am hetero, and I am writing from a hetero point of view. For me, women are amazing, beautiful, fragile, yet strong creatures that need communication on a level I can’t begin to comprehend. Understanding women is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. I will never try and understand women but, by Odin’s balls, I try to communicate with them!

Not being in the mood can be a great opportunity to get what we desire sexually at a later time too. Don’t let re-scheduling freak you out. Setting a solid date/time later can help the problem resolve itself. There is nothing wrong with scheduling time for sex. Don’t force yourself to be sexy at a time you’re not feeling it!

The little blue pill isn’t the only answer!

Some think as we age, medicine is the only thing that can help us get or keep wood. The little blue pill doesn’t help with desire; it only helps with erectile dysfunction. Swingers are almost always on the forefront of medical techniques that help older folks with these issues. This section is very subjective to what works for you as an individual. Take all of this with a grain of salt and check with your doctor before trying anything as extreme as injecting your cock with go-go juice. I also need to add, “Buyer Beware!”

There’s a lot of quackery and snake oil out there. Many will use whatever current herbal supplement is in vogue at the moment. However, the US government cracks down on anything that could be potential competition to Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, and Avanafil. Herbal supplements are great when you find one that works for you.

Often times, as soon as you do find one that works, the government takes it off the shelf because it threatens the livelihood of big pharms. Most of the best supplements have a combination of capsicum (chili peppers), ginger, yohimbe, and cinnamon. Look for these when starting to look for an herbal supplement. Intracavernosal injections are the latest trend. According to the American Urologic Association, taking an intracavernosal injection (a medical injection right to the cock) is the single most effective treatment for erectile dysfunction. Alprostodil and Phentolamine are the most common medicines that men are shooting into their own meat mushroom. Some doctors are also prescribing multiple compounds together in what is called Bi-mix and Tri-mix.

Cockrings are like external Viagra. Restricting blood flow of the penis by sticking your cock and balls in a leather, silicone, stone, or metal cock ring can make you harder, thicker, and more robust. But they aren’t for everyone. My personal favorite is Stockroom’s Stainless Steel Teardrop Cock Ring. It gives me a raging boner harder than Chinese Algebra, and is designed to simultaneously give an external prostate massage. Plus, the weight of the metal feels great!

Topical lotions at this point in time are snake oil. They don’t work and they can make your cock numb and useless. There are some new topical lotions in the works that are similar to the intracavernosal injection meds, but they aren’t on the market yet.

For women, there currently isn’t any equivalent of a little blue pill. Pfizer tried desperately to come up with something as women are much more likely to use meds than men are. The fact of the matter is, women are primarily going to succumb to mental and physical efforts such as counseling, education, muscle relaxation, and self exploration (masturbation).

When it comes to getting in the mood, remember to relax, identify the problem, communicate, and live out some fantasies. Bring your communication to the bedroom. It’s OK to re-schedule sex for a later time if you’re not in the mood. Please go to your doctor if you have either a mental or physical issue that should be treated with conventional medicine, and use meds only if you have to!

Cross posted with permission from Sunny Megatron's blog.

Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and the Midwest’s premier S&M Dungeon, The Studio. As a Lecturer and Sexstorian, he is the creator of On The Edge (a lecture/film series on BDSM). In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects, Ken edits and writes numerous articles on sexuality. He travels around the world teaching kink awareness to various private groups and continually develops new kink-friendly/sex positive classes. Ken is responsible for the infamous Northwestern University Fucksaw controversy while teaching his class, Networking for Kinky People. Sunny Megatron is his partner in crime and perverted adventures.

You have read this article better sex / Communication / emotional / for men / Ken Melvoin-Berg / marriage / sexual adventures / sexual exploration / sexual health / sexual rut / Sexuality / Sunny Megatron with the title Sexuality. You can bookmark this page URL https://lucero-momentosdepasion.blogspot.com/2012/12/why-men-don-always-want-sex.html. Thanks!